I am an LDS woman whose husband is immersed in his sex addiction and whose son is engulfed in his pornography addiction. If you want to blame me for either of those things in any way, you'll have to get in line. I've had long conversations with myself where I wonder what I have done wrong, or what I should have done right to prevent or put a stop to all of this. In fact, it was fairly recently that I asked my own father to give me a blessing and at the end of it, he gave me a hug and told me that it wasn't my fault ... and it wasn't until that moment that he knew that it wasn't. (I couldn't blame him since that was my natural inclination ... blame myself. Blame the victim. Except that I don't want to play the victim.)
Who am I? Wife for 21 years, mother of 5 sons, college graduate with an advanced degree, and somehow this smart woman missed seeing her husband's sex addiction for many (possibly 22?) years. The short of things is that my husband has acted out with prostitutes, he was excommunicated from the church, and still has not fully disclosed his behaviors. I felt like I was just beginning to understand how to heal from these traumas as I connected with Rhyll Croshaw's book and website. Then our 18 year old cut class, forged a check from my account, and slept with a prostitute in my bed! Afterward, I discovered his porn addiction.
There are no words. I have gone from angry to feeling so stupid to just plain numb. I don't want any part of my husband's SAA group because it somehow feels like saying all of this is normal. I know that is irrational and unfair, but it still is how I feel. I also felt very alone until I discovered that I am not alone and that this battle with sex/pornography addiction and the subsequent trauma I have experienced is sadly not unique. Sigh. Its a lot to wrap your head around, not to mention what it does to your heart. But here I am... hoping to learn and heal and sort it all out.
I have felt the Lord blessing me in so many ways as I have begun to work on me. I am beginning to accept that I cannot take away the agency of my husband or my son and that they have to make decisions about maintaining or relinquishing their addictions all on their own. (Notice I said beginning ... it's a hard lesson for me to learn.) One blessing was being introduced to the resources available from Rhyll Croshaw. Another was finding a forum of women in similar circumstances brave enough to share their stories. Then there was an article in the Ensign this month that speaks to this issue.
The author also references one of the scriptures I have pondered over for some time as I realized that the choices my loved ones have made are the same kinds of choices that have wounded the hearts of women for centuries.
Jacob 2:35, "[...] Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds."
That is me. A broken hearted, tender wife. My journey begins...
Welcome! I'm glad you are sharing your story :) I'm not glad that you have reason to be here, because those are painful reasons. But I'm glad to have another person to learn from. You're beautiful. I'm excited you're here!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alma3441. I understand that mixed feeling of feeling sad that you are part of the club and yet glad to know you are not alone and to have someone else to learn from. That feeling is completely mutual. :)
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