D-day Multiplied

I've been married for 21 years and the "signs" that Mister had a problem started early. In the early years, I doubted myself a lot and Mister encouraged me to get past my "jealousy" and "suspicious nature." Looking back, there were so many incidents that it is almost laughable that I allowed myself to be manipulated into thinking I was the one with a problem.

Those first few years included lots of small d-days (my doubting days) things like hearing a former co-worker accuse him of sexual harassment and a teen baby-sitter who reported to the bishop that Mister offered her money in exchange for a sexual favor. Mister's strategy then was to call these females' integrity into question. It worked. It worked on me and on the bishop. I simply didn't want to believe these things could be true of my husband. It couldn't be true.

I spent a lot of time trying to fix my character flaws ... that jealousy, suspicious nature, and my control issues. I needed to respect and trust my husband more. Didn't I? Plus, life was busy with little ones to tend and all of the other demands of family life. I shouldn't let those stresses lead me to an overactive imagination. Right?

Then there were the undeniable D-days. These are Destructive days in my book. Others might have Disclosure days, but Mister never willingly disclosed to me so my Destructive days were traumatic. It didn't help that I had allowed myself to be manipulated into buying the excuses during the doubting days, choosing to doubt myself rather than believe the worst about my eternal companion.

WARNING: I am about to share significant details about my D-days. This may be triggering for other "Tender Wives."

D-day #1: October 2004
I was serving in the Relief Society as the second counselor. I am at Enrichment Meeting and the only member of the presidency there. In the middle of the evening I suddenly feel physically ill but cannot leave because I needed to finish the activity, clean up and lock the building. I was being responsible and fulfilling my calling. Mister was home tending our children (ages 13, 11, 9, 7 and 4). I would later discover that Mister has left them home alone without even telling them that he is leaving. When I finally arrive home, Mister is nowhere to be found and he doesn’t answer his cell phone. Son#1 is still awake, even though it is well past his bedtime. Son#1 tells me that he got a phone call from Mister telling him to get his brothers ready for bed and tucked in. I would later discover it was the last call Mister made from his phone before being taken into custody.

Mister confessed that he picked up and paid for the prostitute ($20 for oral sex) but said nothing actually happened before he was arrested. The arresting officer would later testify in court that both Mister and the prostitute had no pants on when the officer knocked on the car window and told them to get out. Who do you believe ... your husband or a complete stranger that could be mixing up the details? His attorney will so kindly advise Mister that next time he should not admit what happened to the officers because then it is harder for them to prove their case. I know this because Mister shared it with me. Ugh. Next time ... really?

It is incredibly embarrassing, considering Mister's arrest is listed in the police log in the local paper. Plus, several members of our ward are deputy sheriffs and they always look through the log to see who came into the jail the night before. One deputy is married to the Relief Society president. She calls the next day before it hits the papers after  her husband sees Mister's mug shot and reads the log. She tries to be supportive and I am mortified. I want to crawl into a hole and die. Now what? I feel like I have to call and tell my parents before someone else does. To my mom's credit, she never tries to tell me what to do. She doesn't push for answers, but only listens. In this moment I hate myself. All of the blame lands squarely on my shoulders ... I say to myself what I am sure others are thinking. I don't deserve any of it, but I won't realize that for several years because as awful as this is, it will get worse.

About this same time, I will begin to fear for my own life. I will suddenly test positive for high risk HPV after spending the last 13 years married to Mister and living in what I believed to be a completely monogamous relationship. There are cancerous changes on my cervix and I will go through many tests, procedures and surgeries to try to stay ahead of the curve.

Mister will "confess" to the Bishop at my demand. There will be disciplinary action but I am surprised that there is no counsel involved, only a probationary period under the Bishop's direction. I feel insignificant. Still, I trust that my Father in Heaven sees and knows all things and that justice will be served in the end.

Bishop encourages me to lay it all out to Mister. Tell him my expectations and set my boundaries. I am a wimp. I have no idea how to make him respect boundaries. I mean, he has already crossed the ultimate boundary by breaking sacred covenants. I cannot make him do anything. I feel powerless.

It is not my place to judge or to decide what happens to Mister. Plus, even the judge gives Mister a deferred sentence, allowing him to have this expunged from his record if he only pays a fine and successfully serves probation for one year. I am confident this is the end of Mister's issues. I focus on trying to be healthy and to create happy memories with my children. Life is too short.

D-day #2: May 2011
A picture of a naked woman is picture messaged to Mister from “Work Guy” which Mister received and saved on his phone. I discover the picture a month later and first Mister tried to tell me that it really is from his friend Guy at work. I use his phone to call the number and a woman answers. She tells me her name is Sally and that she works with Mister. He tells me that he had been trying to help her, that she is an LDS member from the neighboring ward and trying to come back to the church. She needs a friend and she sent the picture because she was just trying to thank Mister for his help. He tells me that she didn’t really know it was wrong since she was baptized just a little over a year before she moved here. He says that he was wrong to save the picture. I am lost. Will I ever be enough for him?

D-day #3: June 2011
Mister had been at work very late and he was sleeping upstairs. His cell phone kept ringing and as it stopped, I picked up the phone to turn it off. It was set to have the text messages open automatically when you opened the phone, so when I opened it to turn it off, a message appeared on the screen.

“That was a lot of fun. Can we do it again?”

The number is saved in his contacts only as “D.”

I reply, “Do what?”

Response, “Eating me out.”

I call the phone number using Mister’s phone and a woman answers, “Ready for more already? Where can we meet?”

I tell her, “Mister is my husband. I don’t suggest you meet. How do you know him?”

She claims that this is most embarrassing and that she has the wrong number. I wake Mister to confront him and show him the text messages. He first tells me that this is just a guy at work named Kurt who is pulling a prank on him. I tell him that I’ve already called and spoken to the woman on the line. Mister claims that must be Kurt’s girlfriend. He wants to “prove”  t to me and calls the number, yelling at Kurt that it isn’t funny and how I’m really upset so he needs to knock it off.

I can hear the woman telling him, “I’m so sorry. What do you want me to do?”

I tell Mister to put the phone on speaker, but he hangs up instead. When his phone rings minutes later, a man is now on the line saying, “Oh, Mister. I hear you’re in big trouble. How can I help you get out of this one with the wife?”

Mister screams at him that he needs to stop and quickly hangs up the phone and throws it across the room. I pick up the phone and scroll through to see many calls in the log from this woman’s phone number and a voicemail is still saved from June 18th when a woman with the same voice and from the same number is furious that Mister gave Kurt her number without asking her first.

How stupid do they all think I am? I don't believe any of this nonsense. Still, I have no idea how to make him change. Do all men behave this way? Mister tells me that my standards are too high and that no one could ever live up to them. Am I kidding myself? Is this actually the way all men behave?

Weeks later Mister tells me that he had been “sexting” with this woman that Kurt used to date, but that they never did anything physical and he didn’t really think it was wrong. I think there has to be something wrong with him for him to believe that this is acceptable behavior. He tells me that he just has an exceptionally high sex drive and I'm not satisfying it. Again, it comes back to me. This is my problem somehow.

D-day #4: July 2011
A text message came to his phone while we were on family vacation “What’s up sugar bear?” He insists that it must have been a wrong number but quickly heads to the gas station by himself to fill up on gas and clears the text and phone logs on his phone while he is gone. This seems minor in comparison to the past. Yet, there seems to be no reprieve. Every month there is something. What did I do to deserve this? He begs for understanding and swears that the sexting thing with Sally was the last of it. He doesn't want to lose me. I have to believe him. It's time for me to trust my husband and stop being so jealous, suspicious and controlling. (Notice a theme here?)

October 2012:
I find out that Mister has again been involved with a prostitute.

After Mister left early to pick up our Son#3 from work, a text message came to the “house” phone. (This phone was recently converted from our land line to a mobile phone, but has been our home phone number for 15 years or more.)

The first message, “"Hey babe, did you just drive by? I'm on the firescape."

I am in shock and a second message comes, “Come on babe. Come and pick me up. You know we have fun together.”

Bewildered, I respond via text, “Who is this?”

She replies, “This is Hanna. I’m in the alley behind StripClub.”

Knowing what kind of women hang out behind StripClub (the building across the street from my office), I reply, “How much?”

She texts back, “$20 for the usual or $45 for each of us to do a threesome again.”

I am sick to my stomach. I also know I will need more proof to prevent Mister from wiggling his way out of this one.

A couple of minutes pass and then she texts again, “Are you coming, Korey? I thought I saw your car drive by once already.”

I respond, “Which car?”

She sends, “It was silver this time, not the XXXXX. It’s a little chilly for the convertible, but I know your sexy dark hair and beard.”

I wait for Mister to come back home. In my experience, he will tell me that this is all a misunderstanding, a figment of my imagination. I take the “house” phone with me and drive by the alley. From a distance I can see that there is one woman sitting on the fire escape and another standing beside her. The one standing has a cell phone up to her ear when our “house” phone rings.

I answer and watch her mouth move as I get closer and both see and hear her say, “Oh, I must have the wrong number.”

I continue to drive a bit further so I don’t have to look at her. I ask, “Are you looking for Korey with the XXXXX?”

She says, “Yes, is he there?”

I tell her, “No. That is my husband. Keep your whore self away from my husband. Don’t call again… ever.” I hang up and drive home.

She sends one more text message, "He told me the 2 of you were getting divorced. I'm sincerely sorry. Deleting his number now. Please tell him not to call or text me either. Thanks."

As has been my experience, when confronted, Mister immediately denied any wrongdoing. He said that it must be some kind of mix-up. For me, the chances of someone being able to give a description of my husband (dark hair and beard) and connect him to a car that is fairly rare (XXXXX convertible) along with our home phone number are pretty slim. But, he knows that the evidence in the past has been sketchy enough to leave some doubt in my mind. He then challenges me to check the cell phone bill for her phone number. Conveniently, he cannot produce a bill.

I use the online billing detail to first turn on the call log and then search for the number. The first occurrence when her number appears is a call from Mister’s own phone line, not just the “house” phone. He continues to try to deny it at first. The phone log cannot lie and I can only see the numbers he calls, but the log indicates that he has called the number dozens of times in the last month. I can only imagine how many times she called him or that they had contact via text message.

Over a series of conversations, he tells me that he has been visiting this prostitute for 2 months (and later 3 months, then 4 months) and felt terribly guilty the first time they had sex but didn't think it was really that bad/wrong. He never shares specifics of those acts. He does tell me that she wouldn't stop calling and texting him, begging him to be with her again and he felt powerless to resist her.

He tells me that he thinks he is a sex addict and seeks help from a local psychologist. The psychologist refers him to a Sex Addicts Anonymous group and Mister begins working the program they offer while also telling me that he is working the LDS addiction recovery program and seeking guidance from the bishop. At the same time, when I ask for details or more information about his encounters with the prostitute(s), I am told that it is not time for him to tell me those things yet and it will harm his progress in the 12 step program or make him “act out” if he tries to share those things with me. He does tell me that the group has both women and men and that another member of the church is in the group too.

I tell Mister that I am very uncomfortable about him meeting with women, given his supposed addiction. He promises me that he will not be directly associating with the women, because they tend to keep to themselves. Obviously, I have a trust issue and I am concerned. However, between Christmas and New Year’s he slips up and talks about his interactions with “Steph” whom he immediately tries to tell me is a male “Stephan.” When I demand to see his text message log, I see that it is actually a Stephanie.

He says that he is only trying to "protect" me. He isn't doing anything wrong but he knows how I get so easily jealous and let my mind think the worst.

The content of his messages to her make me uncomfortable, telling her things like, “I feel safe with you and no one else.” I also discover from one of her messages that she was waiting for him “in a booth in the back” on the same date and time that Mister told me he was meeting the (male) group leader. Is this recovery?

January 2013:
I spent time in the temple contemplating what to share with the Stake President. Last week, unbeknownst to him, I read the "confession" Mister prepared for his sex addiction support group and was pierced to the heart to read more of his misconduct. It also somehow felt reassuring to see truths he never admitted to me, and know that I was not wrongfully assuming the worst.

The most hurtful part was reading that he had been unfaithful in 1998 when I was overcome with grief after we lost a baby at 17 weeks of pregnancy. I knew at that time that he wasn't emotionally supportive, but I had no idea about the extent of his choices then. (That was six years before his arrest which was the first time I had actual proof of his wrongdoings and the earliest act he has ever confessed to me. Every instance before then of questionable behavior or circumstantial evidence -- the condoms in his truck or lists of women's phone numbers in his wallet, for example -- was explained away enough that I simply doubted myself.)

I believe Mister's negative behavior toward me and our children stems from his inability to feel the Spirit and the power he has given Lucifer over him again and again... all because of Mister's own choices. Without the spirit's influence, it is easy for Mister to give way to his anger and mirror the abusive (emotional and physical) environment his own mother created for him.

I have seen glimpses of Mister's capacity to love his family and fellow man, his desire and ability to use his talents to help those around him, and his potential to be the man the Lord sent him here to be. I know it is a dark place it is to be unworthy to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, and also that there is the potential for great joy from being worthy of that blessing once again after putting in the hard work to access the gift of the Atonement that makes repentance possible. I want that joy for Mister, but I know that he will have to want and work for it himself.

While the prideful person in me wants to see Mister held accountable for my wounded heart and his abuses of our family, I am also his wife who wants mercy for him because I know what excommunication means... even if he does not. I worry over the implication of my choices regarding our marriage on our sons and know that there is an impact on them, whether I stay in the marriage or if we eventually divorce. My goal is to minimize the negative consequences on them, regardless of what it means for me. I am just as concerned about the impact of Mister's choices and resultant consequences upon our sons. While they are not responsible for the sins of their father, they have not and will not go unscathed by them. I also know that as their mother it will continue to be my responsibility to protect them as much as possible, love them, lean on the Lord to dress their wounds, and help our children understand that through the Atonement those scars can disappear completely.

My prayers are with the disciplinary council as they meet with Mister on The Night Eternity Shook..