Who Has He Become?

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I don't believe I have mentioned it before, but Son#1 is a wayward soul. He was an amazingly strong youth who left the path in high school when he chose to find momentary happiness in things of the world. He no longer lives with us. He is an adult. It is hard to watch his life choices sometimes, but I still love him. I know that right now he is a sleeping giant, spiritually speaking, and there isn't much I can do about that but to keep on loving him, having faith in him, praying for him and trusting in the Lord who knows how to help him best.

Sadly, Son#1's example made it much easier for Son#2 to find excuses for making spiritual things a low priority. Son#3 has pretty much always struggled with his testimony ... and was the most likely to echo out loud to me some of the hateful things Mister would say when he was justifying his own behavior. Then Son#3 seemed to follow right after his father in this cesspool of addiction. It has been heartbreaking to know these are their choices when I know the gospel is the only way to find true, lasting joy. I have often felt helpless in this regard.

2 Nephi 1:17-19, "My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow from time to time, for I have feared, lest for the hardness of your hearts the Lord your God should come out in the fulness of his wrath upon you, that ye be cut off and destroyed forever;
Or that a cursing should come upon you for the space of many generations; and ye are visited by sword, and by famine, and are hated, and are led according to the will and captivity of the devil
O my sons, that these things might not come upon you, but that ye might be a choice and a favored people of the Lord. But behold, his will be done; for his ways are righteousness forever."

So, recently when Mister was in the hospital he asked for the Bishop to come visit him. Mister was face to face with the reality of his mortality at that moment and Bishop spoke to him without sugar coating a thing. (I was not there, but Bishop confirmed that was true.) Mister said that Bishop told him that it is Mister's fault that Son#1 has fallen away and that Son#2 and Son#3 are struggling with their testimonies because Mister has spent far too long leaning on my testimony and expecting me to provide all of the spiritual nourishment that our family needed. Bishop told Mister it wasn't fair and that he would be held accountable for his choices. He also told Mister that there was time to change, but it is up to Mister to decide if he wants to change and wants to help rescue our sons from the darkness he led them to. Mister was quite upset about the conversation, which was cut short when Mister's parents stopped in for a visit. I thought maybe that moment was going to be a wake up call.

A couple of weeks ago, Son#1 mentioned that the missionaries were coming to his house regularly and teaching him. Those visits also included a member of the Elders Quorum presidency. I was excited to hear that he was taking this step and felt a little glimmer of light, but Mister thought it was a joke. Yesterday, Son#1 called to see if he could borrow a large pan for some big dinner he wanted to make for all of his roommates. While he was over getting the pan, he mentioned that this week when the missionaries came, the Bishop came with them. Son#1 said that the Bishop told him that he came because Son#1 is so important. Son#1 said that because of that visit, he is planning to come crash on our couch tonight after work so that he can go to church with us in the morning. I was thrilled!

Mister's reaction? "What a crock! Can you believe the Bishop fed him a line like that? He's just trying to feed Son#1's ego to get him to come to church. Important? Ha!"

I felt deflated. What kind of parent has that kind of reaction? Where is the Mister I pledged my heart to and created these children with? It has been nearly 8 months since Mister was excommunicated and I see no indication that he prays or reads scriptures or is making any sort of effort to be prepared to come back to the church. In fact, most of our family religious observances occur in another room while he watches TV in the living room. I fear the man I once knew has disappeared forever...