He Answers

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I have an amazing visiting teacher. She has been a fantastic example of how to love others and I have worked to find that part of myself again over the last few months ... to shut out the negativity and harshness that is part of my life and to be more gentle and loving with every person who I come into contact with. It has been a wonderful experiment as I have expressed love more often and in more ways than I had in a very long time. I missed this part of who I am more than I even realized! And it has helped the real me to come out from hiding.

I have learned to be a very private person over the years, in large part due to the shame I have felt about Mister's addiction. The person he is under the influence of his addiction scares me sometimes. Part of the reason that I have stayed is because I fear him and what he will do if I try to leave. That is the truth. But I am done hiding and know that it is time for me to brave.

"Wherefore, the Lord commandeth you, when ye shall see these things come among you that ye shall awake to a sense of your awful situation" (Ether 8:24)

This week I had a lunch date with my visiting teacher and as I prayed for the Lord's guidance, I knew that I needed to share more with her about what is going on in my life. She has known that I have been looking for another job and that was the opening of the door that let me share a little bit more with her. She asked how the job search was going and I told her that a job opportunity had been posted that seemed perfect for me, but was in a city that is three hours away. I told her that I had really considered it for some time and finally told myself, "Hey, Self! Don't you trust the Lord? Don't you believe that He will provide? What if this is His answer for you?" And so I applied for the job and am waiting to hear.

She asked if I would get an apartment and come home on the weekends or if the whole family would move and Mister would find another job. I took a deep breath and told her that if I took that job, it would be an answer to my prayers and part of that answer would be that Mister would not go with me.

The tears welled up in my eyes. She looked at me and did not ask a thing. She only said that maybe it would be a relief and just bring healing to my soul to be that far away. She told me that I am still young and have so much life left to live... that I deserve to be happy and that my children deserve to have a happy mom.

She. was. fantastic.

In the quiet of the following morning, I heard the Lord speaking to me in the scriptures and it echoed what my sweet visiting teacher had said:

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.
"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children. In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee."

(Isaiah 54:6-8, 11-14)

Then in sacrament meeting on Sunday, the words of a hymn made me think of all of this again:

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.

(Come, Come Ye Saints - Hymn #30)

The entire song seemed to be for me as I contemplated it. So if this isn't the job that the Lord is leading me to, I still know that He is leading me somewhere. Somewhere safe. Somewhere I won't have to be afraid.Somewhere that I can teach my children and they can have peace. I cannot describe what comfort and joy that thought brings to my soul.