He Answers

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I have an amazing visiting teacher. She has been a fantastic example of how to love others and I have worked to find that part of myself again over the last few months ... to shut out the negativity and harshness that is part of my life and to be more gentle and loving with every person who I come into contact with. It has been a wonderful experiment as I have expressed love more often and in more ways than I had in a very long time. I missed this part of who I am more than I even realized! And it has helped the real me to come out from hiding.

I have learned to be a very private person over the years, in large part due to the shame I have felt about Mister's addiction. The person he is under the influence of his addiction scares me sometimes. Part of the reason that I have stayed is because I fear him and what he will do if I try to leave. That is the truth. But I am done hiding and know that it is time for me to brave.

"Wherefore, the Lord commandeth you, when ye shall see these things come among you that ye shall awake to a sense of your awful situation" (Ether 8:24)

This week I had a lunch date with my visiting teacher and as I prayed for the Lord's guidance, I knew that I needed to share more with her about what is going on in my life. She has known that I have been looking for another job and that was the opening of the door that let me share a little bit more with her. She asked how the job search was going and I told her that a job opportunity had been posted that seemed perfect for me, but was in a city that is three hours away. I told her that I had really considered it for some time and finally told myself, "Hey, Self! Don't you trust the Lord? Don't you believe that He will provide? What if this is His answer for you?" And so I applied for the job and am waiting to hear.

She asked if I would get an apartment and come home on the weekends or if the whole family would move and Mister would find another job. I took a deep breath and told her that if I took that job, it would be an answer to my prayers and part of that answer would be that Mister would not go with me.

The tears welled up in my eyes. She looked at me and did not ask a thing. She only said that maybe it would be a relief and just bring healing to my soul to be that far away. She told me that I am still young and have so much life left to live... that I deserve to be happy and that my children deserve to have a happy mom.

She. was. fantastic.

In the quiet of the following morning, I heard the Lord speaking to me in the scriptures and it echoed what my sweet visiting teacher had said:

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.
"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children. In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee."

(Isaiah 54:6-8, 11-14)

Then in sacrament meeting on Sunday, the words of a hymn made me think of all of this again:

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.

(Come, Come Ye Saints - Hymn #30)

The entire song seemed to be for me as I contemplated it. So if this isn't the job that the Lord is leading me to, I still know that He is leading me somewhere. Somewhere safe. Somewhere I won't have to be afraid.Somewhere that I can teach my children and they can have peace. I cannot describe what comfort and joy that thought brings to my soul.

JOY in the Morning

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When I woke up this morning, Son#1 was not sleeping on the couch as he had planned. I was a little disappointed but was not giving up on the thought of him coming to church with us. He told us that he had committed to the Bishop that he would attend church and so I assumed that something had changed in his plan last night that kept him from coming to our house. (He was working late and doesn't have a car of his own so maybe his ride was a roommate that just wanted to go home.)

I asked Son#2 if he would be willing to go over to his brother's house and offer him a ride to church. (I knew that Mister would be less than thrilled to even stop so I avoided making it a battle.) Son#2 agreed and headed out.

Sacrament meeting started and our two eldest gentlemen were not there. I wondered if Son#1 changed his mind and doubted myself for asking Son#2 to pick him up. What if neither of them showed up? Maybe I should have gone ahead and pushed the issue with Mister, speaking the truth of the importance of reaching out to Son#1 and encouraging him to choose the right. Sigh.

We were singing the sacrament hymn when my sweet sons walked into the chapel. My heart soared!

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth" (3 John 1:4).

It was an amazing feeling to be sitting beside all of my gentlemen in sacrament meeting for the first time in months. I love them so much! As I gazed down the line at them, I distinctly felt the impression that their chairs would not be empty in heaven. The happiest of tears came to my eyes as I remembered a part of my patriarchal blessing promising that at the resurrection I would have with me my posterity for whom I had worked diligently. I don't know how that will happen exactly. But I do know that I cannot stop believing in them or in the master plan that I do not have the privilege or ability to see at this time.

Today's tender mercy ... a moment of sheer JOY! ♥

Powerless ... CHECK!

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Son#3 made some very poor choices today. In fact, yesterday I kept feeling like something was off with him and just couldn't quite put my finger on it. But, when he walked in the front door after work and ran straight up to his room, I knew he had been acting out again.

I lost my focus and snapped myself to CrAZyTowN in an instant. I made him turn out his pockets and there was a receipt showing he emptied all the cash out of his bank account. Up the stairs I flew to see what he had hidden in his room. There were the magazines beneath the mattress. There was the phone beside his bed. The history on the phone indicated that he'd been calling the sex lines yet again. There was also a local number at the end of the history that he'd been corresponding with one hour before he walked in the door. The money, the local unknown number, the time span when he should have been at work ... I knew what he had done. I searched his room a bit before I caught myself.

I don't want to be this crazy person. I can dig up all the evidence that I want but it doesn't change anything.

I left his room with the magazines in hand. I wasn't leaving them behind for future use or for discovery by his brothers. They have no place in my home. I sat down Son#3 and told him I found the magazines and the phone log. I told him I knew there was more. He admitted that he had hired another prostitute.

Mister hit the roof. He is angry. He cannot deal with this. Mister wants Son#3 out of the house. I look at him and find myself in disbelief that he has felt so deserving of so many chances, literally years and even decades of wallowing in his own addiction, but has zero tolerance for our son. I send Mister out of the room. He is in his own corner of crazytown and I can't cope with both of them at once.

I asked Son#3 if he thought he had a problem. He said that he did ... and I want to believe him, but I think he was just trying to end the conversation. Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what the appropriate boundaries are but I hate it when my home no longer feels like a safe place. And I hate it that I can't protect him from himself. I so want to fix this for him. But I cannot.

"Step One: Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable." (Healing Through Christ Workbook)

Got it. I have no power over the addiction and my own choices in response are making my own life unmanageable. In this moment, I am giving myself permission to just breathe and let the feelings wash over me. I feel sad, even heartbroken. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. And I feel powerless.

Yet, I have hope. I know that while I do not have any power in this situation, the Lord does. He has the power to help and to heal. I have to release this to Him. I put my faith in Him and trust that somehow we will get through this ... one step at a time.

Who Has He Become?

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I don't believe I have mentioned it before, but Son#1 is a wayward soul. He was an amazingly strong youth who left the path in high school when he chose to find momentary happiness in things of the world. He no longer lives with us. He is an adult. It is hard to watch his life choices sometimes, but I still love him. I know that right now he is a sleeping giant, spiritually speaking, and there isn't much I can do about that but to keep on loving him, having faith in him, praying for him and trusting in the Lord who knows how to help him best.

Sadly, Son#1's example made it much easier for Son#2 to find excuses for making spiritual things a low priority. Son#3 has pretty much always struggled with his testimony ... and was the most likely to echo out loud to me some of the hateful things Mister would say when he was justifying his own behavior. Then Son#3 seemed to follow right after his father in this cesspool of addiction. It has been heartbreaking to know these are their choices when I know the gospel is the only way to find true, lasting joy. I have often felt helpless in this regard.

2 Nephi 1:17-19, "My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow from time to time, for I have feared, lest for the hardness of your hearts the Lord your God should come out in the fulness of his wrath upon you, that ye be cut off and destroyed forever;
Or that a cursing should come upon you for the space of many generations; and ye are visited by sword, and by famine, and are hated, and are led according to the will and captivity of the devil
O my sons, that these things might not come upon you, but that ye might be a choice and a favored people of the Lord. But behold, his will be done; for his ways are righteousness forever."

So, recently when Mister was in the hospital he asked for the Bishop to come visit him. Mister was face to face with the reality of his mortality at that moment and Bishop spoke to him without sugar coating a thing. (I was not there, but Bishop confirmed that was true.) Mister said that Bishop told him that it is Mister's fault that Son#1 has fallen away and that Son#2 and Son#3 are struggling with their testimonies because Mister has spent far too long leaning on my testimony and expecting me to provide all of the spiritual nourishment that our family needed. Bishop told Mister it wasn't fair and that he would be held accountable for his choices. He also told Mister that there was time to change, but it is up to Mister to decide if he wants to change and wants to help rescue our sons from the darkness he led them to. Mister was quite upset about the conversation, which was cut short when Mister's parents stopped in for a visit. I thought maybe that moment was going to be a wake up call.

A couple of weeks ago, Son#1 mentioned that the missionaries were coming to his house regularly and teaching him. Those visits also included a member of the Elders Quorum presidency. I was excited to hear that he was taking this step and felt a little glimmer of light, but Mister thought it was a joke. Yesterday, Son#1 called to see if he could borrow a large pan for some big dinner he wanted to make for all of his roommates. While he was over getting the pan, he mentioned that this week when the missionaries came, the Bishop came with them. Son#1 said that the Bishop told him that he came because Son#1 is so important. Son#1 said that because of that visit, he is planning to come crash on our couch tonight after work so that he can go to church with us in the morning. I was thrilled!

Mister's reaction? "What a crock! Can you believe the Bishop fed him a line like that? He's just trying to feed Son#1's ego to get him to come to church. Important? Ha!"

I felt deflated. What kind of parent has that kind of reaction? Where is the Mister I pledged my heart to and created these children with? It has been nearly 8 months since Mister was excommunicated and I see no indication that he prays or reads scriptures or is making any sort of effort to be prepared to come back to the church. In fact, most of our family religious observances occur in another room while he watches TV in the living room. I fear the man I once knew has disappeared forever...

Wake Up Call: He Has Choices Too

Mister hasn't been very happy with me lately. As his health improves and he continues to recover from his surgeries, he has wanted more from me than I have been willing to give. Frankly, it was a nice break to have the sexual tension and pressure relieved for a while. So, the second night that he tried to get something going in the bedroom and I hesitated, he shocked me with this little gem:

"You know, if you don't start showing some interest in me, then I'm leaving."

Wow. All of the time that I have spent agonizing over the decision to go or to stay ... no where in all of the weighing of options had I even once considered that Mister would leave me. I was shocked at the thought of it. But, we all have choices. 

And that's okay.