The Line Was Drawn and so....

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There it was. I had made this wonderfully important boundary that I was so excited about. I had drawn the line in the sand that would keep love in my heart for my son while also keeping me safe. But as with most lines, once it is drawn then comes the real test.

My heart ached after discovering that Son#3 has been acting out... posting ads on Craigslist with our home address to "hookup." Talk about feeling unsafe! I have worked to keep my boundary and focus on the good but this is a new level of unsafe. Sadly, he is going to have to find somewhere else to live. This just is not okay. His part of the boundary today is calling his voc rehab support person to work on a plan for moving out. My part of the boundary continues to be to focus on positive things about Son#3 and I am pleased that I have been able to do that. I cannot describe how helpful that is to me in finding peace in this moment of trial.

I decided to study Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse from the Healing Through Christ workbook. Wow. I hadn't read it before and it left me in a puddle as I felt the Spirit witness of its truth and helping me to feel even more peace about having COURAGEOUS LOVE for Son#3. 

In 1929 Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

He is angry and spitting his displeasure at me every time we talk. But I have amazingly been able to remain calm and retreat to another room to reflect on his strengths and consider how those strengths will help him when he is ready to seek recovery. Whew. Still it is emotionally draining and little thoughts creep into my head about why I haven't chosen to be courageous with Mister in the same way... but then I feel a peaceful feeling about doing what I can right now and leaving the rest to the Lord for now.

As I pondered on what I was learning from this appendix material, I was reminded of an experience I'd had several years ago. I am grateful for a lesson I learned about myself then while serving at girls camp. I learned that I have the gift of faith.

"But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.
For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;
To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;
To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues:
But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will." (1 Corinthians 12:7-11)

Brother K indicated he needed to talk to me for a minute as I was swiftly navigating the halls at church. I was guiding Ariana back to class, and then needed to ring the bell and check on Nursery. When those tasks were complete, Brother K and I ducked into the kitchen for that talk.

The location of our visit was somewhat amusing, considering the purpose of his visit was to extend a call for Camp Cook at Girl's Camp. He shared the basic responsibilities, and said that another High Councilman was actually over Girl's Camp, but since Brother K is in my ward, he was extending the call in that brother's behalf. Because he was not handling most of the callings for camp, he did not know who I would be serving with but was sure the stake Young Women president would be in attendance.

The entire Stake Young Women's Presidency had changed during the last year, and the sisters are all from wards rather distant from my own. I don't even see these women during Stake Conference, because the stake is split with the northern units having a session at our chapel and the southern units meeting at the Stake Center. These sisters are from the southern portion of our stake. I did not know who they were.

Then, he told me the dates of the camp. Brother K said he had already talked to my husband and that he knew this was the same week Mister and some of our sons would be going to the Boundary Waters for High Adventure, but to please try to work it out and get back to him in the next week. I wanted to accept. Then, off I went to tend to my Primary duties.

Girl's Camp was rolling around in my mind for the remainder of the day. I had gone last year and had such a great experience. But, who would care for our three youngest gentlemen? Would it even be fair to them to be gone while their father and older brothers were already away? What would I do with the two dogs? What would preparations be like after sending off the scouts the day before? Could I reasonably do this?

Camp was a major topic over the next few days. Mister was very supportive and said he would do what he could to help. But, really, there was only so much he could do since he would be gone. It would be a burden to ask my parents to watch the gentlemen. They had done so last year, but my mom had taken a job since then. She or Dad would have to take vacation in order to watch the children. Asking Mister's parents also seemed out of the question. Mister was already borrowing their Suburban for the scout trip that same week. It was a lot to ask of his non-member parents to be supportive of two church activities, especially when one did not specifically benefit their child or grandchild. There were so many issues and angles to consider. Mister and I practically discussed it forward, backward, upside down, and inside out. I had prayed about the matter but had not yet found the solution.

Son#3 had overhead some of our discussion. This became apparent while we were visiting Mister's parents that 

week. Son#3 piped up as inspiration struck him. He and his two younger brothers could stay with Grandpa and Grandma during camp. He was certain this was the solution! 

Mister's parents were confused, as were the rest of the gentlemen. Mister briefly explained that I had been asked to go to Girl's Camp again this year, but that it was the same week as the Boundary Waters trip. I felt so uncomfortable at this sudden exposure of my dilemma, that I nearly missed it when my father-in-law said he thought they could do that. My mother-in-law thought it was odd that I, the mother of five sons and no daughters, would be asked to go to the girl's camp again. She knew last year was a last minute kind of deal, because the original cook needed assistance after having knee surgery the week before camp. But, she had run Cub Scout day camp for years and knew these types of things were a lot of work, as well as a lot of fun. Then she confirmed that it wouldn't be any problem at all to tend our youngest three.

Next, they asked me who else would be going to camp. Over the years, they have gotten to know a number of people from our church and they were curious if any of those people would be at camp. However, I didn't know any of the other leaders. They both chuckled at this confession. It hadn't struck me as odd until that moment.

Later, my in-laws would also agree to supervise our gentlemen in caring for our two dogs while I was away. My in-laws live right next door, so it would be easy enough to check on the pets. I was awed by their willing support.

On the last night of Girl's Camp we had testimony meetings in our individual camp sites. It was a powerful meeting with the stake camp leaders. I had gotten to know and love these sisters over the course of three days. A part of my testimony was about the missionary opportunity this call had provided for my family. I recounted these pre-camp events and said that it was one more time my in-laws had an opportunity to see the workings of the church, and to let them be a part of that in some way.

When I concluded my testimony, the stake camp director commented about how amazed she was at this example of faith. I didn't really think of it as faith before then. I was a bit nervous about going to camp and even sharing a tent with women I did not know, but it was enough for me that the call had been extended. The Lord would be with me; I didn't need more.

This reminded me of a calling that had been extended to Mister and me. At the time, he had reservations and wanted to think it through before providing an answer. I, on the other hand, was rearing to go and excited about the call. We had some discussion at that time because he didn't understand why I am always so willing to accept callings, even if I was unsure of my abilities or other various circumstances. I didn't understand why that was hard to understand.

This memory, in turn, reminded me of a friend's comments after she gave a talk in sacrament meeting about spiritual gifts. In her research, she read a talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. His first sentence was, "Faith is a spiritual gift" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Spiritual Gifts," Ensign, Sept. 1986, 68).

When it comes to church callings, I believe I have the gift of faith. I know that when a call is extended, it comes for a reason and that the Lord will fill in the gaps for me when I give it my all. This is a gift of faith.

Elder Oaks also said, "We should seek after spiritual gifts. They can lead us to God. They can shield us from the power of the adversary. They can compensate for our inadequacies and repair our imperfections."

These words bring tears to my eyes as I recall another portion of my testimony at Girl's Camp. I felt a healing balm was applied to me during that short window of service. There have been many years that I felt I would never serve in Young Women because of some choices I made when I was a young woman myself. Last year, I did not receive a formal call, but was asked to help out as a personal favor to my friend who was the Stake Young Women's Presidency member in charge of camp. This year, I was selected and called just like everyone else.

This year, I felt a final repairing of an imperfection I had felt within myself, one that I had myself created. It had prevented me from attending my own sixth year of Girl's Camp 16 years before. But this year I accomplished all of the requirements I could not complete back then. This is a tender mercy that I have been given, and it began with the spiritual gift of faith when this calling was extended.

On the last day of camp, we had an award ceremony. As each girl came forward to receive her award, she also was able to select a value magnet from the Stake Young Women's Presidency. They get to collect one value magnet each time they meet with their Stake Young Women leaders. I was surprised when I was called forward to receive the Golden Spoon award. The Stake Young Women's Presidency then invited me to select a value magnet. I chose faith.

Appendix 3 has a lot of references to faith and it is soothing to my soul to be reminded that I have the gift of faith... that I have stepped forward in faith before and been successful and that gives me strength to know I can do it now. I also loved being reminded of the above experience because it helps me to fondly recall this moment of inspiration from Son#3 and I know that there is a great deal of good within him, even though I am frustrated by the choices he makes in addiction now. The Lord has prepared me for this moment. I am awed at the way these pieces of my life fit together so well. I am amazed at His loving training that came in anticipation of this day that I had no idea was coming. (That makes sense in my heart even though I don't think I am expressing it very well.) God is great! 

♥ I can only imagine what He might be preparing me for now. ♥

Gratitude Boundary

I am super excited about a new boundary I have chosen with my son. So, I feel unsafe when he brings pornography into our home in any way. I have felt like the boundary needs to include something that I do because it is my boundary, not a punishment for Son#3.  Here is whst I decided.

If/when Son#3 brings pornography into our home, he is responsible for taking it back out. That means that if it happened with his phone, his phone has to be outside of our home for at least 24 hours. He can lock it in his car or put it out in the garage, but it can't be in our home. If it's a magazine or DVD, he has to get it to the trash or the burn pit. My part of the boundary is that I am going to let go of being in control of disposing of this filth that I didn't invite into my home. I will let go of my fear and frustration and (this is the best part) I will focus on the amazing and wonderful person that Son#3 was, is and can yet become. I will take time to remember the strengths and talents he holds. I will celebrate the goodness of Son#3 and push out the negative feelings I have about my son because of his addiction. I will make time to remember who he really is and write down positive affirmations about him. I will be glad to share that with Son#3 if and when he wants to hear/see it.

I can't even begin to describe how excited I am about my side of this boundary because I want to have peace and grow my love for Son#3 in spite of his addiction. My boundary means the addiction doesn't win because I will not allow it to overshadow my dear son. This is my gratitude boundary!

Remembering Who I Am

Today, I know this is true about me. I know it is true about all of the tender wives. But sometimes we forget.

I ♥ my Sponsor!

It took a little time for me to find her, but I am so grateful for my wonderful sponsor. There have been moments where the Lord has led the two of us to the exact same thing and as we share them, I know that I am blessed to be working with her and that she is listening to the promptings of the Spirit as she helps me. That is an amazing kind of person to have on your team! As far as I am concerned, she is a ministering angel in the flesh.

I ♥ my sponsor!

Today I was working on one of the assignments she had given me and my heart is so full. She asked me to read "The Infinite Power of Hope" by Presidnet Uchtdorf from last October's General Conference.

This was a fantastic talk! I felt prompted to have the print version in front of me to annotate while I listened to the video of President Uchtdorf speaking. I've marked it up a lot because there were so many wonderful parts of this talk. One of my favorites was:

No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations.

Because of the prompting to listen while I made my notes, I found that there was a sentence that President Uchtdorf spoke that was not in the printed version.

I recall that several years ago there was a change in procedures that requires the speakers in General Conference provide a written copy of their talks in advance. This means that the missing sentence was a pure addition from a prompting of the Spirit and that makes it all the more sweet to my soul.

President Uchtdorf said:

If only we could glimpse for a moment what the Lord has in store for us, not only in the next life but in this one as well, our hope would be unshakable and despair could never overcome us.

​I am holding on to this thought. It helps to put things into perspective. Plus, I am now even more excited to hear what is shared during this October's General Conference. I was already looking forward to this weekend after the fabulous talks shared during the General Relief Society meeting last Saturday. I was especially grateful for Sister Reeve's talk, which spoke directly to my heart and I hope that it also provided hope for all the other tender wives out there ... especially those who have not yet found the support they need.

I am grateful for the rich resources available to us:
Healing Through Christ workbook 
Hope and Healing forum
Support group
Blogs
Addo

Heavenly Father provides all that we need and I am glad that he guided me to find these resources so that my heart can heal and I can work my own recovery. I am just beginning to really understand the importance of letting my addicted loved ones find their own recovery when they are ready and willing to work for it.

I am grateful to be learning how to interact with them in a way that demonstrates love and forgiveness even while trust does not yet exist. That means I do not harm them and it helps to heal me.

There was a time that I really wanted revenge and to make them suffer for the hurt in my heart. But, it wasn't doing me any good. If they need to be punished, it isn't up to me. And haven't we all suffered enough anyway? It's not what I want for me. It's not what I want for them. I choose to be true to who I am ... and that means becoming more like the Savior and developing unshakable hope.

If only we could glimpse for a moment what the Lord has in store for us, not only in the next life but in this one as well, our hope would be unshakable and despair could never overcome us.

He Answers

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I have an amazing visiting teacher. She has been a fantastic example of how to love others and I have worked to find that part of myself again over the last few months ... to shut out the negativity and harshness that is part of my life and to be more gentle and loving with every person who I come into contact with. It has been a wonderful experiment as I have expressed love more often and in more ways than I had in a very long time. I missed this part of who I am more than I even realized! And it has helped the real me to come out from hiding.

I have learned to be a very private person over the years, in large part due to the shame I have felt about Mister's addiction. The person he is under the influence of his addiction scares me sometimes. Part of the reason that I have stayed is because I fear him and what he will do if I try to leave. That is the truth. But I am done hiding and know that it is time for me to brave.

"Wherefore, the Lord commandeth you, when ye shall see these things come among you that ye shall awake to a sense of your awful situation" (Ether 8:24)

This week I had a lunch date with my visiting teacher and as I prayed for the Lord's guidance, I knew that I needed to share more with her about what is going on in my life. She has known that I have been looking for another job and that was the opening of the door that let me share a little bit more with her. She asked how the job search was going and I told her that a job opportunity had been posted that seemed perfect for me, but was in a city that is three hours away. I told her that I had really considered it for some time and finally told myself, "Hey, Self! Don't you trust the Lord? Don't you believe that He will provide? What if this is His answer for you?" And so I applied for the job and am waiting to hear.

She asked if I would get an apartment and come home on the weekends or if the whole family would move and Mister would find another job. I took a deep breath and told her that if I took that job, it would be an answer to my prayers and part of that answer would be that Mister would not go with me.

The tears welled up in my eyes. She looked at me and did not ask a thing. She only said that maybe it would be a relief and just bring healing to my soul to be that far away. She told me that I am still young and have so much life left to live... that I deserve to be happy and that my children deserve to have a happy mom.

She. was. fantastic.

In the quiet of the following morning, I heard the Lord speaking to me in the scriptures and it echoed what my sweet visiting teacher had said:

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.
"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children. In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee."

(Isaiah 54:6-8, 11-14)

Then in sacrament meeting on Sunday, the words of a hymn made me think of all of this again:

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.

(Come, Come Ye Saints - Hymn #30)

The entire song seemed to be for me as I contemplated it. So if this isn't the job that the Lord is leading me to, I still know that He is leading me somewhere. Somewhere safe. Somewhere I won't have to be afraid.Somewhere that I can teach my children and they can have peace. I cannot describe what comfort and joy that thought brings to my soul.

JOY in the Morning

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When I woke up this morning, Son#1 was not sleeping on the couch as he had planned. I was a little disappointed but was not giving up on the thought of him coming to church with us. He told us that he had committed to the Bishop that he would attend church and so I assumed that something had changed in his plan last night that kept him from coming to our house. (He was working late and doesn't have a car of his own so maybe his ride was a roommate that just wanted to go home.)

I asked Son#2 if he would be willing to go over to his brother's house and offer him a ride to church. (I knew that Mister would be less than thrilled to even stop so I avoided making it a battle.) Son#2 agreed and headed out.

Sacrament meeting started and our two eldest gentlemen were not there. I wondered if Son#1 changed his mind and doubted myself for asking Son#2 to pick him up. What if neither of them showed up? Maybe I should have gone ahead and pushed the issue with Mister, speaking the truth of the importance of reaching out to Son#1 and encouraging him to choose the right. Sigh.

We were singing the sacrament hymn when my sweet sons walked into the chapel. My heart soared!

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth" (3 John 1:4).

It was an amazing feeling to be sitting beside all of my gentlemen in sacrament meeting for the first time in months. I love them so much! As I gazed down the line at them, I distinctly felt the impression that their chairs would not be empty in heaven. The happiest of tears came to my eyes as I remembered a part of my patriarchal blessing promising that at the resurrection I would have with me my posterity for whom I had worked diligently. I don't know how that will happen exactly. But I do know that I cannot stop believing in them or in the master plan that I do not have the privilege or ability to see at this time.

Today's tender mercy ... a moment of sheer JOY! ♥

Powerless ... CHECK!

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Son#3 made some very poor choices today. In fact, yesterday I kept feeling like something was off with him and just couldn't quite put my finger on it. But, when he walked in the front door after work and ran straight up to his room, I knew he had been acting out again.

I lost my focus and snapped myself to CrAZyTowN in an instant. I made him turn out his pockets and there was a receipt showing he emptied all the cash out of his bank account. Up the stairs I flew to see what he had hidden in his room. There were the magazines beneath the mattress. There was the phone beside his bed. The history on the phone indicated that he'd been calling the sex lines yet again. There was also a local number at the end of the history that he'd been corresponding with one hour before he walked in the door. The money, the local unknown number, the time span when he should have been at work ... I knew what he had done. I searched his room a bit before I caught myself.

I don't want to be this crazy person. I can dig up all the evidence that I want but it doesn't change anything.

I left his room with the magazines in hand. I wasn't leaving them behind for future use or for discovery by his brothers. They have no place in my home. I sat down Son#3 and told him I found the magazines and the phone log. I told him I knew there was more. He admitted that he had hired another prostitute.

Mister hit the roof. He is angry. He cannot deal with this. Mister wants Son#3 out of the house. I look at him and find myself in disbelief that he has felt so deserving of so many chances, literally years and even decades of wallowing in his own addiction, but has zero tolerance for our son. I send Mister out of the room. He is in his own corner of crazytown and I can't cope with both of them at once.

I asked Son#3 if he thought he had a problem. He said that he did ... and I want to believe him, but I think he was just trying to end the conversation. Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what the appropriate boundaries are but I hate it when my home no longer feels like a safe place. And I hate it that I can't protect him from himself. I so want to fix this for him. But I cannot.

"Step One: Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable." (Healing Through Christ Workbook)

Got it. I have no power over the addiction and my own choices in response are making my own life unmanageable. In this moment, I am giving myself permission to just breathe and let the feelings wash over me. I feel sad, even heartbroken. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. And I feel powerless.

Yet, I have hope. I know that while I do not have any power in this situation, the Lord does. He has the power to help and to heal. I have to release this to Him. I put my faith in Him and trust that somehow we will get through this ... one step at a time.