Wounded

I have let myself become the victim again. The last two months have been a gradual downhill slide.

Son#3 is so out of control with his addiction. His grandparents decided to give him a tablet for Christmas and within 30 minutes of opening the gift he was surfing the sites that destroy him. He is so out of control and I cannot help him. That makes me feel like such a failure as his mother. But I can't protect him from himself.

Then there is Husband. He rarely attends his meetings. He is making poor choices in a variety of ways ... asking me to go to the church to pay the mortgage after spending money on frivolous things, choosing to go home from work without pay because he doesn't like the work he is assigned for the day.

Husband also decided to let Son#1 move back into our home without even asking me. Son#1 was arrested for driving while barred. He faces fines and potential jail time. I think Son#1 needs to hit rock bottom before he will change his life around but Husband insists on rescuing him. Husband hires an attorney and lets Son#1 eliminate bills for food and shelter by moving in with us. The truth is that Son#1 is an alcoholic who lies, cheats and steals to survive. These are the very behaviors that caused him to be invited to leave our home. But now he is back because Husband wants to rescue him from jail time and help him get on his feet. Husband doesn't see what is so screamingly obvious to me: Son#1 is actively in addiction. We will be destroyed trying to save him. He has to save himself. He has to want to change and work for change or else there is no way to stop him from destroying his own life and us right along with him if we try rescuing him right now.

Then there is the big anniversary. It has been one year since Husband was excommunicated.  It was no big deal to him because he would just get rebaptized in a year. But he has made no effort toward that. He hasn't even attended church for the last 6 weeks.

And so I feel raw and wounded and victimized. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like my home is swirling with sin and there is no escape. I hate what my life has become in the last two months. I need to work on me. I need to work my own program. I need to stop spending my time being angry and spitting at these raging fires. I need to spend more time on me and finding peace and rest again.