Triggered

I was really caught off guard yesterday. A staff member came into my office visibly upset. He confessed to me that he had an affair ... with the wife of a board member. He was telling me because of the potential repercussions to our organization. (Light bulb moment: this explained the sudden resignation of said board member the afternoon before.)

I haven't been able to get the encounter out of my mind. Part of the trouble is that this man was doing something Mister has never done. He was confessing before I discovered a problem on my own! Still, I was amazed that I could be calm in that moment and not shame this employee in any way. (Calm except for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.) I felt sorry for him as he shared his story, worried about the rumor mill and tears slid down his cheeks. My heart went out to his wife and I was somewhat relieved to hear that they have marriage counselling set up already. Good for them. I tell him that I hope they can work through it and that I am sure it will be hard and to let me know if he needs some flexibility in his work schedule as they move forward. He says I shouldn't feel sorry for him because he is the #^€&*#!@ that did this.

Wow. That came out of nowhere. Clearly this was completely out of my control. But there I was having to figure out damage control. And I worry that just seeing this person at work may be triggering for a while. The devastation on his face...

My lingering question is: does it ever go away? Do the trigger points fade in time? For now, it makes every other possible trigger easily set off. For example, no way was TV an option just because of the commercials. And I felt compelled to call and warn Mister last night that it was going to be a rough night because my feelings were raw... which he sighed about and felt was completely unfair since HE didn't do anything wrong. Ugh. It has been my experience that this super heightened sensitivity does get better ... but does it ever go away?

Then I arrive home. I find out the "home" cell phone is missing. I immediately feel like Son#3 has it. He lost his own phone the day before and has not yet gotten it replaced. My gut instinct is that he is back into the porn calls... but can I trust my gut? Ever fiber of my being is on high alert. The all too familiar self doubt returns.

Then the morning comes. Positive proof of Son#3's choices surface without any sleuthing or policing. I am hurt. I am disappointed.  I am sad. I wonder why I still doubt myself so easily. I am angry that I hit yet another trip wire.

And then I return to my boundary. I will remember the positive things about my son. I remind myself that he is acting out in addiction but is still responsible for his choices. He brought it into my home and he needs to take it back out.

The cycle of addiction continues but I can choose to feel my hurt and disappointment and sadness then let it go. I can give myself and my son the gift of forgiveness. I can choose to move forward for me in spite of the devastation in Son#3's life. These are his choices. I can repent for not trusting my discernment or turning quickly to the Lord for clarity and peace. And I can turn to Him now. He alone can help me return to a place of peace and healing, as He always has. I trust that He has the power to work a miracle here when the time is right.