This is all so exhausting. I want to pretend it isn't real. I want to just be "normal" ... whatever that is anyway. This time of year is hard with "wedding season."
My heart aches with every new engagement announcement, wedding invitation and happy anniversary celebration. I quietly smile and try to feel joy that such happiness can exist. But the reality of my marriage (now choking on addiction) makes it difficult to feel that joy for others and that breaks my heart. This isn't who I want to be but I am weary of fighting.
I sometimes wish I could go back to not knowing, to living with the invisible something that crept into my home and stole my peace bit by bit. Sigh. It was easier not knowing somehow.
But I cannot go back. I know the signs all too well. And in the midst of all these happy couples, I recognize that Mister feels amiss too. Sadly, that means he seeks for love through the addiction and I feel even more alone and unsafe. Will it ever change?
I want to scream to all of those unsuspecting women, piercing their happiness as I expose the dark secrets that have been woven into my life. It could happen to them too.
Instead I cry out to the Lord for strength. Help me breathe today. Help me face one more day. Help me change even if Mister chooses to stay the same. Help me learn and heal and move forward. I cry. I weep. I share my burden with Him and let the pain run out of me until I feel weak.
Then I ask Him to build me up again. Prepare me for another day. Show me the way. Lead me, Lord. I will follow. I am one day stronger.
It is hard. In the beginning, after my husband had recently confessed it was very hard to see people getting married, being happy in their relationships. I wanted to shout from the roof tops that all husbands are liars, run while you can...etc. But the more I learn about addiction, the more my thoughts have changed. Statistically speaking, there are about 50% of men with a pornography addiction (according to some study). 50%... thats huge.. so when i started calculating all of the people who i knew who was currently struggling with an addiction or previously struggled...that would be half of my friends husbands. Half. maybe they are out there pretending as well...maybe they don't know yet...maybe they never will...but i am glad my husband told me. i would rather have to deal with the pain than to be lied to. you are not alone. 50% of us women are struggling right along with those people suffering from addiction. you can do this.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one who has to hold in my urge to scream "Run! Don't do it!! It's all a lie!! He'll hurt you so badly!!!" to the unsuspecting brides. It makes me wonder if anyone at my wedding had that urge?? Hmm. Thanks for your thoughts!
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