Wounded at Church

I have a sweet friend who serves in the Relief Society presidency in our ward. I love and respect her immensely. Yet I walked away from her most recent presidency lesson feeling hurt and marginalized. The topic? Reminding the sisters that it was not our right or responsibility to speak to another sister about her personal sense of modesty. Now, while I do actually agree with her, I think the moment that first zinged me was when she said, "And it isn't our husbands' right either."

Boom. I was now really struggling with the fact that I feel triggered when I go to my place of worship with excommunicated Mister and disfellowshipped Son#3 and then see the attire of some of the less active sisters. Now, I absolutely respect that those sisters have their own issues, that they struggle to attend church for their own reasons, and somewhere within me I am glad they have come. But, it doesn't make their wardrobe decisions easy for me to accept while flanked by the two addicts in my household. But the sister giving the lesson wouldn't know that.

As the lesson progressed there was also the admonition that while we may not be guilty of speaking anything negative to these sisters, we still can drive them away with our thoughts and judgemental glances. Ouch. I have felt uncomfortable and even unworthy to return to the RS room since that lesson.

Today I read another blog that describes my feelings well. There is a feeling of loneliness and lack of support for my reality. (Read her post at Within the Heart of Me...)

Have I driven away a sister with a negative thought or a judgemental look as I wrestled between her right to decide what is appropriate to wear and my desire to feel safe at church? I suppose it is possible, though surely not my intention. Do I now feel like there is another wedge dividing me from the great sisterhood of Relief Society? Sadly, yes. But I am trying to find the courage to close the gap somehow. Giving words to my truth here is just part of the process.

Next up, STEP NINE: Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Arms of Love

I was at a Healing Through Christ family support group meeting tonight when I felt so strongly that I needed to review a piece I had written in my journal back in 2006. It is a reminder of the power of love like the Savior's love in the life of one who is wounded and wandering. As I look back, I remember a time when I was that one and my mother had the strength and faith to show me love like unto the Savior. May I be more like my angel mother. 

Today I understand more fully how desperately my addicted loved ones need love from me. Love like the Savior's. Love like my mother's. A love that can heal me and my addicted loved ones in ways unique to each of use and our needs. I must use my mother's example and my own mother heart to love them. It is crucial to my own healing path, as well as theirs.

"I know there may be some who have a difficult time imagining what His love feels like. Think of a mother with her newborn baby. The warmth, safety, cherishing, and peace of a mother's embrace can help us understand what it feels like to be encircled in the arms of His love" (Bonnie D. Parkin, "Eternally Encircled in His Love," General Relief Society Meeting, September 23, 2006).

As I read these words, I immediately remembered a picture of newborn me and my mother. I am tucked in tight with her, lying on her chest, both of us sleeping under a blanket lying in her bed. The thought of this picture fills me with the warm love of my mother. I think of her as I continue reading a copy of Sister Parkin's talk.

"A young adult Relief Society sister wrote, 'Only in the love of my mother do I come close to understanding the magnitude and power of the love of the Savior.' Mothers, can you see how essential you are in teaching this truth to your children? As you encircle your children with your love, they will catch glimpses of His love." (Sister Parkin)

I absolutely know this is true. Tears rush to my eyes as I remember a time in my life when my mother encircled me with her love. In spite of the pain I had caused her, she helped me to draw closer to the Lord and to feel His love deeply and profoundly.

I was 17 years old. I was single and pregnant. That news was devastating to my parents. I remember when I would see my mother step outside onto the deck and release her tears. It pained me to know how I had hurt her.

Mom would also be my biggest supporter. She went to every doctor's appointment. She became my labor coach. She waited in the foyer as I spoke to the Bishop and began the repentance process. Later she accompanied me on visits to a worker with LDS Social Services. She allowed me to make my own decisions, having faith in me when I had none in myself.

"This mother listened. She shared her faith in the Lord; she set an example; she shared her expectations for her daughter to return continually to the Lord. As we approach the Lord, we feel His love draw us closer. Mothers, teach your children to always include the Lord in their lives, and help them to recognize His loving influence" (Parkin).

Those were difficult days for me, and I know they were for my mother. I spent a great deal of time on my knees, weeping and pleading for forgiveness, and seeking direction. My prayers were private, but I
always knew that I was not alone in my cries, that Mother was also praying in my behalf.

I remember once when she asked me what she had done wrong, and it was then that I began to pray for my mother. I had been so focused on my needs, my hurts, and my repentance. Her heart needed healing at least as much as mine did. She was seeking answers for both of us, and I sought that too. That was a big changing moment for me, as I really started to look beyond myself.

I was concerned about my family, as well as my baby. Prayer was my lifeline through it all. I asked to be placed in another home for the remainder of my pregnancy, hoping not to publicly shame my parents and to make it easier for them to let go of a grandchild that I was planning to place for adoption. I had reviewed all of the information and recommendations and knew in my head that it would be best to place the baby. My mother was fully supportive, never questioning my decision. But, after a short time we were told that another home was not available.

I really doubted myself at this point. My petitions to the Lord had been answered, or so I thought, but then that path was not available. This made no sense, and I presumed that I must be too unworthy at that time to receive answers from Heaven. That is a dark place to be. How could I make plans for my life, for the life of that little baby that was daily growing inside me, without the guidance of my Father in Heaven?

Mother encouraged me to continue my entreaties. Somewhat afraid, I spent a very long night in prayer. I was discouraged and afraid. I was even unsure of what to ask at that point. But, I talked through it all with my Father in Heaven.

Every possible scenario came to my mind and I conversed with the Lord about each of them. I distinctly remember telling Him that I knew the church's stance was to place a baby for adoption when no possibility of marriage existed, that every baby deserves to be sealed to both a father and a mother. I saw no hope of marriage in my near future. I could not possibly provide a father or a temple sealing for my child. This meant I needed to allow another couple to adopt my baby.

And yet, I received no confirmation of that decision. I was utterly confused and began to despair. I paused and then I ran through that thought all over again. But at the end, I told the Lord that I knew there was no possibility of marriage or a sealing in my near future. At that point, I stopped and could not continue. A dark feeling washed over me, telling me that I was wrong. It was in the very early hours of morning and I sensed a light in the distance.

My prayer changed again. This time I asked Heavenly Father if it was possible that I would be married soon. I felt warmth and light. But, I could not let myself believe it. I had to ask again, and hope that the Lord understood my hesitation in accepting this prompting. Again, I felt confirmation that I might be married. I pressed on, asking the Lord if He would promise me that my baby would be sealed to me in the temple before the child's first birthday.

Now, in my heart I knew this would be nothing short of a miracle. How could it be possible that I could fully repent, find a suitable mate who would want both me and my baby, and be worthy of a temple marriage in approximately seventeen months? Impossible!

I heard many negative remarks about my decision to keep my baby. But, those remarks never came from my mother. She would stand by me as I delivered my own son. I know it was a frightening day for her. It was exactly seventeen years – to the day – since she had delivered her youngest child, a preterm son who died shortly thereafter. In agony, my mother watched as my baby's heartbeats dipped down and would not come back up. She watched as my labor quickly turned into an emergency cesarean section. As they wheeled me down the hall, Mother walked after. Unable to enter the surgical room, she stood outside and prayed mightily for us. She later told me how relieved she was when she heard his first cry, and delighted when the nurse let her hold her grandson in the hallway.

There was a new light in my mother's eyes when I saw her next. I knew that she had forgiven me. Joy had eclipsed the pain that had been there in her eyes. That light grew even brighter the day she helped me to dress in my wedding gown inside the temple, ten months later.

“The greatest evidence of our Savior's love for us is His Atonement. His love overflows with grace, patience, long-suffering, mercy, and forgiveness" (Parkin).

My mother showed me such love. She was always at my side and on my side, even though I had hurt her deeply. I am so grateful for her love that has surrounded me from birth, a love that helps me to comprehend the Savior's love.

"But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love" (2 Nephi 1:15)

Broken...

It hurts to be broken. It aches to feel alone. What would happen if I am willing to pick up these broken pieces of my heart and figure out where they fit with the broken pieces of his? What will it take to stop remembering why I am broken and start focusing on who is helping me with my  healing? What if I let go of the life I imagined long enough to make a whole new picture of our future?

I heard this song for the first time today and it moved me.

Click here to watch on YouTube.

Quiet Strengthening

This is all so exhausting. I want to pretend it isn't real. I want to just be "normal" ... whatever that is anyway. This time of year is hard with "wedding season."

My heart aches with every new engagement announcement, wedding invitation and happy anniversary celebration. I quietly smile and try to feel joy that such happiness can exist. But the reality of my marriage (now choking on addiction) makes it difficult to feel that joy for others and that breaks my heart. This isn't who I want to be but I am weary of fighting.

I sometimes wish I could go back to not knowing, to living with the invisible something that crept into my home and stole my peace bit by bit. Sigh. It was easier not knowing somehow.

But I cannot go back. I know the signs all too well. And in the midst of all these happy couples, I recognize that Mister feels amiss too. Sadly, that means he seeks for love through the addiction and I feel even more alone and unsafe. Will it ever change?

I want to scream to all of those unsuspecting women, piercing their happiness as  I expose the dark secrets that have been woven into my life. It could happen to them too.

Instead I cry out to the Lord for strength. Help me  breathe today. Help me face one more day. Help me change even if Mister chooses to stay the same. Help me learn and heal and move forward. I cry. I weep. I share my burden with Him and let the pain run out of me until I feel weak.

Then I ask Him to build me up again. Prepare me for another day. Show me the way. Lead me, Lord. I will follow. I am one day stronger.

Wounded

I have let myself become the victim again. The last two months have been a gradual downhill slide.

Son#3 is so out of control with his addiction. His grandparents decided to give him a tablet for Christmas and within 30 minutes of opening the gift he was surfing the sites that destroy him. He is so out of control and I cannot help him. That makes me feel like such a failure as his mother. But I can't protect him from himself.

Then there is Husband. He rarely attends his meetings. He is making poor choices in a variety of ways ... asking me to go to the church to pay the mortgage after spending money on frivolous things, choosing to go home from work without pay because he doesn't like the work he is assigned for the day.

Husband also decided to let Son#1 move back into our home without even asking me. Son#1 was arrested for driving while barred. He faces fines and potential jail time. I think Son#1 needs to hit rock bottom before he will change his life around but Husband insists on rescuing him. Husband hires an attorney and lets Son#1 eliminate bills for food and shelter by moving in with us. The truth is that Son#1 is an alcoholic who lies, cheats and steals to survive. These are the very behaviors that caused him to be invited to leave our home. But now he is back because Husband wants to rescue him from jail time and help him get on his feet. Husband doesn't see what is so screamingly obvious to me: Son#1 is actively in addiction. We will be destroyed trying to save him. He has to save himself. He has to want to change and work for change or else there is no way to stop him from destroying his own life and us right along with him if we try rescuing him right now.

Then there is the big anniversary. It has been one year since Husband was excommunicated.  It was no big deal to him because he would just get rebaptized in a year. But he has made no effort toward that. He hasn't even attended church for the last 6 weeks.

And so I feel raw and wounded and victimized. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like my home is swirling with sin and there is no escape. I hate what my life has become in the last two months. I need to work on me. I need to work my own program. I need to stop spending my time being angry and spitting at these raging fires. I need to spend more time on me and finding peace and rest again.