I was at a Healing Through Christ family support group meeting tonight when I felt so strongly that I needed to review a piece I had written in my journal back in 2006. It is a reminder of the power of love like the Savior's love in the life of one who is wounded and wandering. As I look back, I remember a time when I was that one and my mother had the strength and faith to show me love like unto the Savior. May I be more like my angel mother.
Today I understand more fully how desperately my addicted loved ones need love from me. Love like the Savior's. Love like my mother's. A love that can heal me and my addicted loved ones in ways unique to each of use and our needs. I must use my mother's example and my own mother heart to love them. It is crucial to my own healing path, as well as theirs.
As I read these words, I immediately remembered a picture of newborn me and my mother. I am tucked in tight with her, lying on her chest, both of us sleeping under a blanket lying in her bed. The thought of this picture fills me with the warm love of my mother. I think of her as I continue reading a copy of Sister Parkin's talk.
"A young adult Relief Society sister wrote, 'Only in the love of my mother do I come close to understanding the magnitude and power of the love of the Savior.' Mothers, can you see how essential you are in teaching this truth to your children? As you encircle your children with your love, they will catch glimpses of His love." (Sister Parkin)
I absolutely know this is true. Tears rush to my eyes as I remember a time in my life when my mother encircled me with her love. In spite of the pain I had caused her, she helped me to draw closer to the Lord and to feel His love deeply and profoundly.
I was 17 years old. I was single and pregnant. That news was devastating to my parents. I remember when I would see my mother step outside onto the deck and release her tears. It pained me to know how I had hurt her.
Mom would also be my biggest supporter. She went to every doctor's appointment. She became my labor coach. She waited in the foyer as I spoke to the Bishop and began the repentance process. Later she accompanied me on visits to a worker with LDS Social Services. She allowed me to make my own decisions, having faith in me when I had none in myself.
"This mother listened. She shared her faith in the Lord; she set an example; she shared her expectations for her daughter to return continually to the Lord. As we approach the Lord, we feel His love draw us closer. Mothers, teach your children to always include the Lord in their lives, and help them to recognize His loving influence" (Parkin).
Those were difficult days for me, and I know they were for my mother. I spent a great deal of time on my knees, weeping and pleading for forgiveness, and seeking direction. My prayers were private, but I
always knew that I was not alone in my cries, that Mother was also praying in my behalf.
I remember once when she asked me what she had done wrong, and it was then that I began to pray for my mother. I had been so focused on my needs, my hurts, and my repentance. Her heart needed healing at least as much as mine did. She was seeking answers for both of us, and I sought that too. That was a big changing moment for me, as I really started to look beyond myself.
I was concerned about my family, as well as my baby. Prayer was my lifeline through it all. I asked to be placed in another home for the remainder of my pregnancy, hoping not to publicly shame my parents and to make it easier for them to let go of a grandchild that I was planning to place for adoption. I had reviewed all of the information and recommendations and knew in my head that it would be best to place the baby. My mother was fully supportive, never questioning my decision. But, after a short time we were told that another home was not available.
I really doubted myself at this point. My petitions to the Lord had been answered, or so I thought, but then that path was not available. This made no sense, and I presumed that I must be too unworthy at that time to receive answers from Heaven. That is a dark place to be. How could I make plans for my life, for the life of that little baby that was daily growing inside me, without the guidance of my Father in Heaven?
Mother encouraged me to continue my entreaties. Somewhat afraid, I spent a very long night in prayer. I was discouraged and afraid. I was even unsure of what to ask at that point. But, I talked through it all with my Father in Heaven.
Every possible scenario came to my mind and I conversed with the Lord about each of them. I distinctly remember telling Him that I knew the church's stance was to place a baby for adoption when no possibility of marriage existed, that every baby deserves to be sealed to both a father and a mother. I saw no hope of marriage in my near future. I could not possibly provide a father or a temple sealing for my child. This meant I needed to allow another couple to adopt my baby.
And yet, I received no confirmation of that decision. I was utterly confused and began to despair. I paused and then I ran through that thought all over again. But at the end, I told the Lord that I knew there was no possibility of marriage or a sealing in my near future. At that point, I stopped and could not continue. A dark feeling washed over me, telling me that I was wrong. It was in the very early hours of morning and I sensed a light in the distance.
My prayer changed again. This time I asked Heavenly Father if it was possible that I would be married soon. I felt warmth and light. But, I could not let myself believe it. I had to ask again, and hope that the Lord understood my hesitation in accepting this prompting. Again, I felt confirmation that I might be married. I pressed on, asking the Lord if He would promise me that my baby would be sealed to me in the temple before the child's first birthday.
Now, in my heart I knew this would be nothing short of a miracle. How could it be possible that I could fully repent, find a suitable mate who would want both me and my baby, and be worthy of a temple marriage in approximately seventeen months? Impossible!
I heard many negative remarks about my decision to keep my baby. But, those remarks never came from my mother. She would stand by me as I delivered my own son. I know it was a frightening day for her. It was exactly seventeen years – to the day – since she had delivered her youngest child, a preterm son who died shortly thereafter. In agony, my mother watched as my baby's heartbeats dipped down and would not come back up. She watched as my labor quickly turned into an emergency cesarean section. As they wheeled me down the hall, Mother walked after. Unable to enter the surgical room, she stood outside and prayed mightily for us. She later told me how relieved she was when she heard his first cry, and delighted when the nurse let her hold her grandson in the hallway.
There was a new light in my mother's eyes when I saw her next. I knew that she had forgiven me. Joy had eclipsed the pain that had been there in her eyes. That light grew even brighter the day she helped me to dress in my wedding gown inside the temple, ten months later.
“The greatest evidence of our Savior's love for us is His Atonement. His love overflows with grace, patience, long-suffering, mercy, and forgiveness" (Parkin).
My mother showed me such love. She was always at my side and on my side, even though I had hurt her deeply. I am so grateful for her love that has surrounded me from birth, a love that helps me to comprehend the Savior's love.
"But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love" (2 Nephi 1:15)
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