Doing the Two-Step

Mister has been in and out of the hospital the last few days ... a scheduled surgery to remove a decaying gallbladder followed by an emergency repair surgery. It has been emotionally draining and painful when I least expected it.

First, there was the whole registration process. Verifying information and scanning insurance cards.... it shouldn't have been a big deal. Except all of a sudden it was.

"We have your religious preference as Mormon. Is that correct?"

Mister said, "No."

I was in momentary shock when the second hit came.

"Do have a particular church affiliation?"

Mister again said, "No."

I didn't say a word. They were his answers to give. It wasn't so much his answers that hurt. It was everything they stood for. My heart stung.

Immediately after his excommunication, Mister made an effort to read his scriptures and to at least pay attention during the meetings on Sunday. But, lately I had noticed a change. I never saw him reading his scriptures and Sunday meetings were a good time to doze in and out between the speakers and teachers that seemed to bore him. But it was supposed to be a snap for him to just be re-baptized after his one year was up, right? Was he even planning to try to regain his covenants anymore?

Deep breath. Remember, he is entitled to his agency.

“Do not attempt to override agency. 

The Lord himself would not do that. 

Forced obedience yields no blessings” 

(Elder Richard G. Scott, “To Help a Loved One in Need,” Ensign, May 1988).

I tried to feel the hurt and let it go. Obviously I was not as successful as I would have hoped because here it is three days later and I am still feeling the sting.

I was also triggered by the nurses who cared for Mister. I felt jealous when he commented about feeling comforted as one nurse rubbed his head and another massaged his legs just before the anesthetic was administered. I was annoyed that he thought it was amusing to have the nurses lift up his gown and have free access/view to his bare body. I was irritated by Mister's comments about getting a nurse to give him a sponge bath since I didn't get back up to the hospital quickly enough this morning. I was embarrassed when he told me to go home again because I wasn't doing anything to help him and he had lots of other ladies to look after him and tend to his every need.

I left and on my drive home I began to feel anger and resentment toward these women. I've taken at least two steps backward.

My thoughts about these women are ridiculous. They didn't deserve them. They had done nothing wrong. But, isn't that a useful wedge? If I begin to look at other women as the enemies, who is that really hurting? 

I remembered Step Two in the Healing Through Christ manual.

“There is no physical pain, no anguish of

soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness

that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey

that the Savior did not experience first. You and I

in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands.

No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps,

knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands,

for He felt and bore our burdens before we

ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and

bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can

extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of

our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally

run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we

could ever be and help us to do that which we could

never do through relying only upon our own power”

(David A. Bednar, BYU Devotional, “In the Strength of the Lord,” Oct. 23, 2001)

I begin to place a prayer in my heart, calling out to the Savior. He knows the pain I am feeling. He can help me.

I remember that in Step Two we learn gratitude is a powerful tool to assist us in our healing. Can I use that tool to pull the victim's venom out of my heart today? 

Time to dance the Two-Step: Why am I grateful for the nurses and other female staff at the hospital?

• I am grateful for their knowledge to help Mister through this physical healing process.
• I am grateful that they can take care of him while I get some sleep at night.
• I am grateful they can push him to take care of himself (like doing his deep breathing to prevent pneumonia) and that he listens to them.
• I am grateful that they show kindness and compassion for the patient in spite of the gruffness expressed to them through the physical pain.
• I am grateful they provide comfort and hospitality for our family when we visit.
• I am grateful they take time to share updates with us about Mister's current status even when there are other patients to tend.
• I am grateful when they remind me to take care of myself (go take a break, get something to eat, etc.)
• I am grateful for their service.
• I am grateful they are my sisters in the grand scheme of things.

I feel better focusing on the good in these women. They are not my enemies. They are beautiful and they have blessed me and my family with their wisdom, talents and charity.

I am grateful I have these steps to help me on the road of recovery and continue toward my goal of finding joy in my life.