Boys Are Smelly

Do you suppose it's wrong that I keep my Healing Through Christ manual in a three-ring binder that says "boys are smelly" on the cover?

Sometimes you just need to laugh. This one is mine today.

Mister is home from the hospital. While he was away, I discovered even more porn calls on son#3's phone (saved voicemails ... and can I just say, "Gross!") Today Mister decides that the best course of action is to tell Son#3 that this is it. Three strikes and you're out. Start looking for an apartment. You're done. It was Mister's attempt at a wake up call. I was incredibly put off by it all. Like, how many chances has Mister gotten? 

Really? 

Boys are smelly.

Except when they're not.

Our cutie patootie 20 year old Son#2 went out on his first date ever a couple of days ago... with a girl... and he turned all red and embarrassed just talking about it. I love that. Those are the moments I live for. That's when I can look at Mister in awe of the complete failure of a decision he has just made in trying to scare our son into giving up his addiction and tell myself, "This is not my life."

My life is about the first dates and innocence and loving who our gentlemen have become, are becoming and will yet become. That's why they get fourth chances. And fifth chances and more. It's about the becoming. I can't expect any of them to change over night (except when they grow up in the second when I blink).

I don't expect big leaps of change from Son#3 in just a few months when Mister hasn't made those changes in decades of our married life. They just need to understand who they really are and that He is on their side. I'm not giving up on them yet... even if they are smelly.

Boundaries and the Great Beyond

My support group has been discussing step two in the Healing Through Christ workbook and tonight we were reviewing and sharing about boundaries. It all feels like new territory to me. I have a history of not being very good at this boundary business.

I remember a number of years ago after Mister's first major D-day, our bishop told me that I needed to tell Mister my expectations and make him live up to them. I knew what I wanted and needed so I shared those with Mister but I had no clue how to enforce a boundary so my list of expectations quickly became a list of wishes that I would cross off when it was apparent that wish wasn't coming true. In other words, I gave up pretty quickly when Mister's push back came.

But, life is always changing and this lady is better prepared today than I was nearly nine years ago. I'm ready to blaze new boundaries on those once unknown frontiers!

The timing of this discussion on boundaries couldn't  have been better. I received a phone call from our ward's executive secretary while I was at work today. He asked if I would come and meet with the bishop at 6:30 tonight and I agreed. Our bishop is pretty new to his calling and so a majority of our conversation was talking about my gentlemen and catching him up to speed with how each of them are doing and how he might be able to support and encourage them. (By the way, I am most grateful for a couple of tender mercies in this meeting. One: Bishop never asked me to discuss how Mister is doing. Two: I could share my concerns about my gentlemen without tears.)

In our meeting, Bishop also extended a new calling to me. He said I would be sustained and set apart on Sunday. The thing is, this calling will mean that I am no longer available to sit beside Mister during Sunday School. This is a big deal to him.

About 7 years ago, he agreed to attend Sunday School as long as I would sit with him and I agreed since I had already been attending the meeting and had every intention of continuing to do so. For several months I did just that, but then I was called to serve in the Primary presidency and my calling became his excuse to not attend Sunday School anymore. You see, I had broken my promise.

Tonight I made a boundary. I am giving up control of the outcome (not that it was ever really mine anyway), and handing it over to the Lord. I will go and serve in this capacity that the Lord, through his servant the Bishop, has asked me to do. I will not concern myself with whether or not Mister will attend Sunday School. If he chooses not to attend, I will not accept responsibility for that choice. It is his choice and his alone.

“Many of you have loved ones who are wandering off the path to eternal life. You wonder what more you can do to bring them back. You can depend on the Lord to draw closer to them as you serve Him in faith" (Henry B. Eyring, “Come Unto Me,” Ensign, May 2013).

"…they are in mine hands, and I will do with them as seemeth me good; for in me there is all power.”(D&C 100:1)

I recognize that this may be a little scary as Mister responds to my boundary. But, I will be true to myself and what I know to be right. And I will be brave enough to continue setting boundaries under the Lord's direction.

The fabulous women in my support group have made boundaries and not only survived, but expressed the joy they have experienced as a result. I will lean on them a little for added courage. Much love to them all for sharing their strength and powerful examples with me! ♥

Doing the Two-Step

Mister has been in and out of the hospital the last few days ... a scheduled surgery to remove a decaying gallbladder followed by an emergency repair surgery. It has been emotionally draining and painful when I least expected it.

First, there was the whole registration process. Verifying information and scanning insurance cards.... it shouldn't have been a big deal. Except all of a sudden it was.

"We have your religious preference as Mormon. Is that correct?"

Mister said, "No."

I was in momentary shock when the second hit came.

"Do have a particular church affiliation?"

Mister again said, "No."

I didn't say a word. They were his answers to give. It wasn't so much his answers that hurt. It was everything they stood for. My heart stung.

Immediately after his excommunication, Mister made an effort to read his scriptures and to at least pay attention during the meetings on Sunday. But, lately I had noticed a change. I never saw him reading his scriptures and Sunday meetings were a good time to doze in and out between the speakers and teachers that seemed to bore him. But it was supposed to be a snap for him to just be re-baptized after his one year was up, right? Was he even planning to try to regain his covenants anymore?

Deep breath. Remember, he is entitled to his agency.

“Do not attempt to override agency. 

The Lord himself would not do that. 

Forced obedience yields no blessings” 

(Elder Richard G. Scott, “To Help a Loved One in Need,” Ensign, May 1988).

I tried to feel the hurt and let it go. Obviously I was not as successful as I would have hoped because here it is three days later and I am still feeling the sting.

I was also triggered by the nurses who cared for Mister. I felt jealous when he commented about feeling comforted as one nurse rubbed his head and another massaged his legs just before the anesthetic was administered. I was annoyed that he thought it was amusing to have the nurses lift up his gown and have free access/view to his bare body. I was irritated by Mister's comments about getting a nurse to give him a sponge bath since I didn't get back up to the hospital quickly enough this morning. I was embarrassed when he told me to go home again because I wasn't doing anything to help him and he had lots of other ladies to look after him and tend to his every need.

I left and on my drive home I began to feel anger and resentment toward these women. I've taken at least two steps backward.

My thoughts about these women are ridiculous. They didn't deserve them. They had done nothing wrong. But, isn't that a useful wedge? If I begin to look at other women as the enemies, who is that really hurting? 

I remembered Step Two in the Healing Through Christ manual.

“There is no physical pain, no anguish of

soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness

that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey

that the Savior did not experience first. You and I

in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands.

No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps,

knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands,

for He felt and bore our burdens before we

ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and

bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can

extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of

our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally

run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we

could ever be and help us to do that which we could

never do through relying only upon our own power”

(David A. Bednar, BYU Devotional, “In the Strength of the Lord,” Oct. 23, 2001)

I begin to place a prayer in my heart, calling out to the Savior. He knows the pain I am feeling. He can help me.

I remember that in Step Two we learn gratitude is a powerful tool to assist us in our healing. Can I use that tool to pull the victim's venom out of my heart today? 

Time to dance the Two-Step: Why am I grateful for the nurses and other female staff at the hospital?

• I am grateful for their knowledge to help Mister through this physical healing process.
• I am grateful that they can take care of him while I get some sleep at night.
• I am grateful they can push him to take care of himself (like doing his deep breathing to prevent pneumonia) and that he listens to them.
• I am grateful that they show kindness and compassion for the patient in spite of the gruffness expressed to them through the physical pain.
• I am grateful they provide comfort and hospitality for our family when we visit.
• I am grateful they take time to share updates with us about Mister's current status even when there are other patients to tend.
• I am grateful when they remind me to take care of myself (go take a break, get something to eat, etc.)
• I am grateful for their service.
• I am grateful they are my sisters in the grand scheme of things.

I feel better focusing on the good in these women. They are not my enemies. They are beautiful and they have blessed me and my family with their wisdom, talents and charity.

I am grateful I have these steps to help me on the road of recovery and continue toward my goal of finding joy in my life.

Tears of Tenderness

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