There it was. I had made this wonderfully important boundary that I was so excited about. I had drawn the line in the sand that would keep love in my heart for my son while also keeping me safe. But as with most lines, once it is drawn then comes the real test.
My heart ached after discovering that Son#3 has been acting out... posting ads on Craigslist with our home address to "hookup." Talk about feeling unsafe! I have worked to keep my boundary and focus on the good but this is a new level of unsafe. Sadly, he is going to have to find somewhere else to live. This just is not okay. His part of the boundary today is calling his voc rehab support person to work on a plan for moving out. My part of the boundary continues to be to focus on positive things about Son#3 and I am pleased that I have been able to do that. I cannot describe how helpful that is to me in finding peace in this moment of trial.
I decided to study Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse from the
Healing Through Christ workbook. Wow. I hadn't read it before and it left me in a puddle as I felt the Spirit witness of its truth and helping me to feel even more peace about having COURAGEOUS LOVE for Son#3.
In 1929 Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).
He is angry and spitting his displeasure at me every time we talk. But I have amazingly been able to remain calm and retreat to another room to reflect on his strengths and consider how those strengths will help him when he is ready to seek recovery. Whew. Still it is emotionally draining and little thoughts creep into my head about why I haven't chosen to be courageous with Mister in the same way... but then I feel a peaceful feeling about doing what I can right now and leaving the rest to the Lord for now.
As I pondered on what I was learning from this appendix material, I was reminded of an experience I'd had several years ago. I am grateful for a lesson I learned about myself then while serving at girls camp. I learned that I have the gift of faith.
"But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.
For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;
To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;
To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues:
But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will." (1 Corinthians 12:7-11)
Brother K indicated he needed to talk to me for a minute as I was swiftly navigating the halls at church. I was guiding Ariana back to class, and then needed to ring the bell and check on Nursery. When those tasks were complete, Brother K and I ducked into the kitchen for that talk.
The location of our visit was somewhat amusing, considering the purpose of his visit was to extend a call for Camp Cook at Girl's Camp. He shared the basic responsibilities, and said that another High Councilman was actually over Girl's Camp, but since Brother K is in my ward, he was extending the call in that brother's behalf. Because he was not handling most of the callings for camp, he did not know who I would be serving with but was sure the stake Young Women president would be in attendance.
The entire Stake Young Women's Presidency had changed during the last year, and the sisters are all from wards rather distant from my own. I don't even see these women during Stake Conference, because the stake is split with the northern units having a session at our chapel and the southern units meeting at the Stake Center. These sisters are from the southern portion of our stake. I did not know who they were.
Then, he told me the dates of the camp. Brother K said he had already talked to my husband and that he knew this was the same week Mister and some of our sons would be going to the Boundary Waters for High Adventure, but to please try to work it out and get back to him in the next week. I wanted to accept. Then, off I went to tend to my Primary duties.
Girl's Camp was rolling around in my mind for the remainder of the day. I had gone last year and had such a great experience. But, who would care for our three youngest gentlemen? Would it even be fair to them to be gone while their father and older brothers were already away? What would I do with the two dogs? What would preparations be like after sending off the scouts the day before? Could I reasonably do this?
Camp was a major topic over the next few days. Mister was very supportive and said he would do what he could to help. But, really, there was only so much he could do since he would be gone. It would be a burden to ask my parents to watch the gentlemen. They had done so last year, but my mom had taken a job since then. She or Dad would have to take vacation in order to watch the children. Asking Mister's parents also seemed out of the question. Mister was already borrowing their Suburban for the scout trip that same week. It was a lot to ask of his non-member parents to be supportive of two church activities, especially when one did not specifically benefit their child or grandchild. There were so many issues and angles to consider. Mister and I practically discussed it forward, backward, upside down, and inside out. I had prayed about the matter but had not yet found the solution.
Son#3 had overhead some of our discussion. This became apparent while we were visiting Mister's parents that
week. Son#3 piped up as inspiration struck him. He and his two younger brothers could stay with Grandpa and Grandma during camp. He was certain this was the solution!
Mister's parents were confused, as were the rest of the gentlemen. Mister briefly explained that I had been asked to go to Girl's Camp again this year, but that it was the same week as the Boundary Waters trip. I felt so uncomfortable at this sudden exposure of my dilemma, that I nearly missed it when my father-in-law said he thought they could do that. My mother-in-law thought it was odd that I, the mother of five sons and no daughters, would be asked to go to the girl's camp again. She knew last year was a last minute kind of deal, because the original cook needed assistance after having knee surgery the week before camp. But, she had run Cub Scout day camp for years and knew these types of things were a lot of work, as well as a lot of fun. Then she confirmed that it wouldn't be any problem at all to tend our youngest three.
Next, they asked me who else would be going to camp. Over the years, they have gotten to know a number of people from our church and they were curious if any of those people would be at camp. However, I didn't know any of the other leaders. They both chuckled at this confession. It hadn't struck me as odd until that moment.
Later, my in-laws would also agree to supervise our gentlemen in caring for our two dogs while I was away. My in-laws live right next door, so it would be easy enough to check on the pets. I was awed by their willing support.
On the last night of Girl's Camp we had testimony meetings in our individual camp sites. It was a powerful meeting with the stake camp leaders. I had gotten to know and love these sisters over the course of three days. A part of my testimony was about the missionary opportunity this call had provided for my family. I recounted these pre-camp events and said that it was one more time my in-laws had an opportunity to see the workings of the church, and to let them be a part of that in some way.
When I concluded my testimony, the stake camp director commented about how amazed she was at this example of faith. I didn't really think of it as faith before then. I was a bit nervous about going to camp and even sharing a tent with women I did not know, but it was enough for me that the call had been extended. The Lord would be with me; I didn't need more.
This reminded me of a calling that had been extended to Mister and me. At the time, he had reservations and wanted to think it through before providing an answer. I, on the other hand, was rearing to go and excited about the call. We had some discussion at that time because he didn't understand why I am always so willing to accept callings, even if I was unsure of my abilities or other various circumstances. I didn't understand why that was hard to understand.
This memory, in turn, reminded me of a friend's comments after she gave a talk in sacrament meeting about spiritual gifts. In her research, she read a talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. His first sentence was, "Faith is a spiritual gift" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Spiritual Gifts," Ensign, Sept. 1986, 68).
When it comes to church callings, I believe I have the gift of faith. I know that when a call is extended, it comes for a reason and that the Lord will fill in the gaps for me when I give it my all. This is a gift of faith.
Elder Oaks also said, "We should seek after spiritual gifts. They can lead us to God. They can shield us from the power of the adversary. They can compensate for our inadequacies and repair our imperfections."
These words bring tears to my eyes as I recall another portion of my testimony at Girl's Camp. I felt a healing balm was applied to me during that short window of service. There have been many years that I felt I would never serve in Young Women because of some choices I made when I was a young woman myself. Last year, I did not receive a formal call, but was asked to help out as a personal favor to my friend who was the Stake Young Women's Presidency member in charge of camp. This year, I was selected and called just like everyone else.
This year, I felt a final repairing of an imperfection I had felt within myself, one that I had myself created. It had prevented me from attending my own sixth year of Girl's Camp 16 years before. But this year I accomplished all of the requirements I could not complete back then. This is a tender mercy that I have been given, and it began with the spiritual gift of faith when this calling was extended.
On the last day of camp, we had an award ceremony. As each girl came forward to receive her award, she also was able to select a value magnet from the Stake Young Women's Presidency. They get to collect one value magnet each time they meet with their Stake Young Women leaders. I was surprised when I was called forward to receive the Golden Spoon award. The Stake Young Women's Presidency then invited me to select a value magnet. I chose faith.
Appendix 3 has a lot of references to faith and it is soothing to my soul to be reminded that I have the gift of faith... that I have stepped forward in faith before and been successful and that gives me strength to know I can do it now. I also loved being reminded of the above experience because it helps me to fondly recall this moment of inspiration from Son#3 and I know that there is a great deal of good within him, even though I am frustrated by the choices he makes in addiction now. The Lord has prepared me for this moment. I am awed at the way these pieces of my life fit together so well. I am amazed at His loving training that came in anticipation of this day that I had no idea was coming. (That makes sense in my heart even though I don't think I am expressing it very well.) God is great!
♥ I can only imagine what He might be preparing me for now. ♥
