Powerless ... CHECK!

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Son#3 made some very poor choices today. In fact, yesterday I kept feeling like something was off with him and just couldn't quite put my finger on it. But, when he walked in the front door after work and ran straight up to his room, I knew he had been acting out again.

I lost my focus and snapped myself to CrAZyTowN in an instant. I made him turn out his pockets and there was a receipt showing he emptied all the cash out of his bank account. Up the stairs I flew to see what he had hidden in his room. There were the magazines beneath the mattress. There was the phone beside his bed. The history on the phone indicated that he'd been calling the sex lines yet again. There was also a local number at the end of the history that he'd been corresponding with one hour before he walked in the door. The money, the local unknown number, the time span when he should have been at work ... I knew what he had done. I searched his room a bit before I caught myself.

I don't want to be this crazy person. I can dig up all the evidence that I want but it doesn't change anything.

I left his room with the magazines in hand. I wasn't leaving them behind for future use or for discovery by his brothers. They have no place in my home. I sat down Son#3 and told him I found the magazines and the phone log. I told him I knew there was more. He admitted that he had hired another prostitute.

Mister hit the roof. He is angry. He cannot deal with this. Mister wants Son#3 out of the house. I look at him and find myself in disbelief that he has felt so deserving of so many chances, literally years and even decades of wallowing in his own addiction, but has zero tolerance for our son. I send Mister out of the room. He is in his own corner of crazytown and I can't cope with both of them at once.

I asked Son#3 if he thought he had a problem. He said that he did ... and I want to believe him, but I think he was just trying to end the conversation. Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what the appropriate boundaries are but I hate it when my home no longer feels like a safe place. And I hate it that I can't protect him from himself. I so want to fix this for him. But I cannot.

"Step One: Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable." (Healing Through Christ Workbook)

Got it. I have no power over the addiction and my own choices in response are making my own life unmanageable. In this moment, I am giving myself permission to just breathe and let the feelings wash over me. I feel sad, even heartbroken. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. And I feel powerless.

Yet, I have hope. I know that while I do not have any power in this situation, the Lord does. He has the power to help and to heal. I have to release this to Him. I put my faith in Him and trust that somehow we will get through this ... one step at a time.

Who Has He Become?

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I don't believe I have mentioned it before, but Son#1 is a wayward soul. He was an amazingly strong youth who left the path in high school when he chose to find momentary happiness in things of the world. He no longer lives with us. He is an adult. It is hard to watch his life choices sometimes, but I still love him. I know that right now he is a sleeping giant, spiritually speaking, and there isn't much I can do about that but to keep on loving him, having faith in him, praying for him and trusting in the Lord who knows how to help him best.

Sadly, Son#1's example made it much easier for Son#2 to find excuses for making spiritual things a low priority. Son#3 has pretty much always struggled with his testimony ... and was the most likely to echo out loud to me some of the hateful things Mister would say when he was justifying his own behavior. Then Son#3 seemed to follow right after his father in this cesspool of addiction. It has been heartbreaking to know these are their choices when I know the gospel is the only way to find true, lasting joy. I have often felt helpless in this regard.

2 Nephi 1:17-19, "My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow from time to time, for I have feared, lest for the hardness of your hearts the Lord your God should come out in the fulness of his wrath upon you, that ye be cut off and destroyed forever;
Or that a cursing should come upon you for the space of many generations; and ye are visited by sword, and by famine, and are hated, and are led according to the will and captivity of the devil
O my sons, that these things might not come upon you, but that ye might be a choice and a favored people of the Lord. But behold, his will be done; for his ways are righteousness forever."

So, recently when Mister was in the hospital he asked for the Bishop to come visit him. Mister was face to face with the reality of his mortality at that moment and Bishop spoke to him without sugar coating a thing. (I was not there, but Bishop confirmed that was true.) Mister said that Bishop told him that it is Mister's fault that Son#1 has fallen away and that Son#2 and Son#3 are struggling with their testimonies because Mister has spent far too long leaning on my testimony and expecting me to provide all of the spiritual nourishment that our family needed. Bishop told Mister it wasn't fair and that he would be held accountable for his choices. He also told Mister that there was time to change, but it is up to Mister to decide if he wants to change and wants to help rescue our sons from the darkness he led them to. Mister was quite upset about the conversation, which was cut short when Mister's parents stopped in for a visit. I thought maybe that moment was going to be a wake up call.

A couple of weeks ago, Son#1 mentioned that the missionaries were coming to his house regularly and teaching him. Those visits also included a member of the Elders Quorum presidency. I was excited to hear that he was taking this step and felt a little glimmer of light, but Mister thought it was a joke. Yesterday, Son#1 called to see if he could borrow a large pan for some big dinner he wanted to make for all of his roommates. While he was over getting the pan, he mentioned that this week when the missionaries came, the Bishop came with them. Son#1 said that the Bishop told him that he came because Son#1 is so important. Son#1 said that because of that visit, he is planning to come crash on our couch tonight after work so that he can go to church with us in the morning. I was thrilled!

Mister's reaction? "What a crock! Can you believe the Bishop fed him a line like that? He's just trying to feed Son#1's ego to get him to come to church. Important? Ha!"

I felt deflated. What kind of parent has that kind of reaction? Where is the Mister I pledged my heart to and created these children with? It has been nearly 8 months since Mister was excommunicated and I see no indication that he prays or reads scriptures or is making any sort of effort to be prepared to come back to the church. In fact, most of our family religious observances occur in another room while he watches TV in the living room. I fear the man I once knew has disappeared forever...

Wake Up Call: He Has Choices Too

Mister hasn't been very happy with me lately. As his health improves and he continues to recover from his surgeries, he has wanted more from me than I have been willing to give. Frankly, it was a nice break to have the sexual tension and pressure relieved for a while. So, the second night that he tried to get something going in the bedroom and I hesitated, he shocked me with this little gem:

"You know, if you don't start showing some interest in me, then I'm leaving."

Wow. All of the time that I have spent agonizing over the decision to go or to stay ... no where in all of the weighing of options had I even once considered that Mister would leave me. I was shocked at the thought of it. But, we all have choices. 

And that's okay.

Boys Are Smelly

Do you suppose it's wrong that I keep my Healing Through Christ manual in a three-ring binder that says "boys are smelly" on the cover?

Sometimes you just need to laugh. This one is mine today.

Mister is home from the hospital. While he was away, I discovered even more porn calls on son#3's phone (saved voicemails ... and can I just say, "Gross!") Today Mister decides that the best course of action is to tell Son#3 that this is it. Three strikes and you're out. Start looking for an apartment. You're done. It was Mister's attempt at a wake up call. I was incredibly put off by it all. Like, how many chances has Mister gotten? 

Really? 

Boys are smelly.

Except when they're not.

Our cutie patootie 20 year old Son#2 went out on his first date ever a couple of days ago... with a girl... and he turned all red and embarrassed just talking about it. I love that. Those are the moments I live for. That's when I can look at Mister in awe of the complete failure of a decision he has just made in trying to scare our son into giving up his addiction and tell myself, "This is not my life."

My life is about the first dates and innocence and loving who our gentlemen have become, are becoming and will yet become. That's why they get fourth chances. And fifth chances and more. It's about the becoming. I can't expect any of them to change over night (except when they grow up in the second when I blink).

I don't expect big leaps of change from Son#3 in just a few months when Mister hasn't made those changes in decades of our married life. They just need to understand who they really are and that He is on their side. I'm not giving up on them yet... even if they are smelly.

Boundaries and the Great Beyond

My support group has been discussing step two in the Healing Through Christ workbook and tonight we were reviewing and sharing about boundaries. It all feels like new territory to me. I have a history of not being very good at this boundary business.

I remember a number of years ago after Mister's first major D-day, our bishop told me that I needed to tell Mister my expectations and make him live up to them. I knew what I wanted and needed so I shared those with Mister but I had no clue how to enforce a boundary so my list of expectations quickly became a list of wishes that I would cross off when it was apparent that wish wasn't coming true. In other words, I gave up pretty quickly when Mister's push back came.

But, life is always changing and this lady is better prepared today than I was nearly nine years ago. I'm ready to blaze new boundaries on those once unknown frontiers!

The timing of this discussion on boundaries couldn't  have been better. I received a phone call from our ward's executive secretary while I was at work today. He asked if I would come and meet with the bishop at 6:30 tonight and I agreed. Our bishop is pretty new to his calling and so a majority of our conversation was talking about my gentlemen and catching him up to speed with how each of them are doing and how he might be able to support and encourage them. (By the way, I am most grateful for a couple of tender mercies in this meeting. One: Bishop never asked me to discuss how Mister is doing. Two: I could share my concerns about my gentlemen without tears.)

In our meeting, Bishop also extended a new calling to me. He said I would be sustained and set apart on Sunday. The thing is, this calling will mean that I am no longer available to sit beside Mister during Sunday School. This is a big deal to him.

About 7 years ago, he agreed to attend Sunday School as long as I would sit with him and I agreed since I had already been attending the meeting and had every intention of continuing to do so. For several months I did just that, but then I was called to serve in the Primary presidency and my calling became his excuse to not attend Sunday School anymore. You see, I had broken my promise.

Tonight I made a boundary. I am giving up control of the outcome (not that it was ever really mine anyway), and handing it over to the Lord. I will go and serve in this capacity that the Lord, through his servant the Bishop, has asked me to do. I will not concern myself with whether or not Mister will attend Sunday School. If he chooses not to attend, I will not accept responsibility for that choice. It is his choice and his alone.

“Many of you have loved ones who are wandering off the path to eternal life. You wonder what more you can do to bring them back. You can depend on the Lord to draw closer to them as you serve Him in faith" (Henry B. Eyring, “Come Unto Me,” Ensign, May 2013).

"…they are in mine hands, and I will do with them as seemeth me good; for in me there is all power.”(D&C 100:1)

I recognize that this may be a little scary as Mister responds to my boundary. But, I will be true to myself and what I know to be right. And I will be brave enough to continue setting boundaries under the Lord's direction.

The fabulous women in my support group have made boundaries and not only survived, but expressed the joy they have experienced as a result. I will lean on them a little for added courage. Much love to them all for sharing their strength and powerful examples with me! ♥

Doing the Two-Step

Mister has been in and out of the hospital the last few days ... a scheduled surgery to remove a decaying gallbladder followed by an emergency repair surgery. It has been emotionally draining and painful when I least expected it.

First, there was the whole registration process. Verifying information and scanning insurance cards.... it shouldn't have been a big deal. Except all of a sudden it was.

"We have your religious preference as Mormon. Is that correct?"

Mister said, "No."

I was in momentary shock when the second hit came.

"Do have a particular church affiliation?"

Mister again said, "No."

I didn't say a word. They were his answers to give. It wasn't so much his answers that hurt. It was everything they stood for. My heart stung.

Immediately after his excommunication, Mister made an effort to read his scriptures and to at least pay attention during the meetings on Sunday. But, lately I had noticed a change. I never saw him reading his scriptures and Sunday meetings were a good time to doze in and out between the speakers and teachers that seemed to bore him. But it was supposed to be a snap for him to just be re-baptized after his one year was up, right? Was he even planning to try to regain his covenants anymore?

Deep breath. Remember, he is entitled to his agency.

“Do not attempt to override agency. 

The Lord himself would not do that. 

Forced obedience yields no blessings” 

(Elder Richard G. Scott, “To Help a Loved One in Need,” Ensign, May 1988).

I tried to feel the hurt and let it go. Obviously I was not as successful as I would have hoped because here it is three days later and I am still feeling the sting.

I was also triggered by the nurses who cared for Mister. I felt jealous when he commented about feeling comforted as one nurse rubbed his head and another massaged his legs just before the anesthetic was administered. I was annoyed that he thought it was amusing to have the nurses lift up his gown and have free access/view to his bare body. I was irritated by Mister's comments about getting a nurse to give him a sponge bath since I didn't get back up to the hospital quickly enough this morning. I was embarrassed when he told me to go home again because I wasn't doing anything to help him and he had lots of other ladies to look after him and tend to his every need.

I left and on my drive home I began to feel anger and resentment toward these women. I've taken at least two steps backward.

My thoughts about these women are ridiculous. They didn't deserve them. They had done nothing wrong. But, isn't that a useful wedge? If I begin to look at other women as the enemies, who is that really hurting? 

I remembered Step Two in the Healing Through Christ manual.

“There is no physical pain, no anguish of

soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness

that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey

that the Savior did not experience first. You and I

in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands.

No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps,

knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands,

for He felt and bore our burdens before we

ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and

bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can

extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of

our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally

run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we

could ever be and help us to do that which we could

never do through relying only upon our own power”

(David A. Bednar, BYU Devotional, “In the Strength of the Lord,” Oct. 23, 2001)

I begin to place a prayer in my heart, calling out to the Savior. He knows the pain I am feeling. He can help me.

I remember that in Step Two we learn gratitude is a powerful tool to assist us in our healing. Can I use that tool to pull the victim's venom out of my heart today? 

Time to dance the Two-Step: Why am I grateful for the nurses and other female staff at the hospital?

• I am grateful for their knowledge to help Mister through this physical healing process.
• I am grateful that they can take care of him while I get some sleep at night.
• I am grateful they can push him to take care of himself (like doing his deep breathing to prevent pneumonia) and that he listens to them.
• I am grateful that they show kindness and compassion for the patient in spite of the gruffness expressed to them through the physical pain.
• I am grateful they provide comfort and hospitality for our family when we visit.
• I am grateful they take time to share updates with us about Mister's current status even when there are other patients to tend.
• I am grateful when they remind me to take care of myself (go take a break, get something to eat, etc.)
• I am grateful for their service.
• I am grateful they are my sisters in the grand scheme of things.

I feel better focusing on the good in these women. They are not my enemies. They are beautiful and they have blessed me and my family with their wisdom, talents and charity.

I am grateful I have these steps to help me on the road of recovery and continue toward my goal of finding joy in my life.

Tears of Tenderness

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